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the fics

title: sold on sun storms

word count: 82520 // 8 chapters

fandom/pairing: chanlix // skz

comments: oh my lovely little chanlix. this has been a really fun one to write overall. lately, i've felt like i've backed myself into a bit of a corner with this story but on the whole, it's been a really rewarding journey to take. the kind of... general gist of the story is one that is very compelling to me, this idea that someone is trying to change who they are but finds out they don't really have to change, that they've been who they want to become this whole time. i'm not sure everyone.... gets it but that's okay. some things are just for me to get.

a line i loved: "I like spending time with you. I like making you laugh even if I have to embarrass myself to do it. I like—I like cooking with you even if you order me around sometimes. I like going to your bar even when I'm basically just free labor. I like hanging out with your friends even if they make fun of me for how fucking crazy I am about you. I like doing chores with you even though I'm 95 percent sure you go back and redo things after I've turned my back." He closes his eyes, and he breathes out hard. "And yeah, I've been with other people before. I've had my fair share of experience. I've always been a people person, I guess. I always liked... I like to date, I like that feeling I get when I meet someone and fall for them, but I... I like it better with you. And it's not just that I like better. I just like you better."

title: i aim to be your eyes

word count: 82754 // 9 chapters

fandom/pairing: sejun // exo

comments: oh what can i say about this, the albatross of my year. years? perhaps. i love writing iatbye, but i really love the idea of being finished it. i am pretty confident that i will be able to finish it before the end of 2025, hopefully by my birthday. it will be such an insane amount of work to finally be complete, and after that it's like. Whoa. is the fic era coming to its end? i'm not sure. it's fun to write fic, i'll always love writing fic, but this kind of represents (to me) my last BIG project. and i do mean big. who writes 300k of mafia omegaverse? this guy

a line i loved: Sehun swallows, and he watches smoke rise to the ceiling.

Every close of his eyes is a shutting door.

"Fuck it," he says. "I'm going."

title: the red king's consort

word count: 41,701 // 4 chapters

fandom/pairing: sidlink // tloz—botw+totk

comments: i'll always love you sidlink. even when no one else wants you, i'll always love you. yeah it kind of feels like shouting into a void with this one, and i think that tanks my productivity with it a bit, but like with i write to you from the road, i know i'll eventually get over the finish line with it. just not sure when. i think i thrived early. so it goes.

a line i loved: "You wish to spar with me?" Link laughs. "Is that it?"

"What else can an old soldier do but yearn for a fight?"

title: sun, long at their sides

word count: 48,099 // 6 chapters

fandom/pairing: chanlix // skz

comments: this is kind of the heartbeat of the year. it's me at my best, i think. or at least, me at my most fun. me at my craziest and happiest. i dont know why i write other things. i just thrive so much with the stupid wolf magic bullshit. is that childish? i don't know, maybe. i just know that i love it. i just know that spinning the little worlds and writing the little bullshit backstory and lore and mystical elements tickles me. it's almost like i'm playing pretend, wearing my mom's shoes or something. except my mom is tolkien in this instance. and tolkien is like "really???? wolf porn?" and im like yeah unfortunately yes.

a line i loved: Best of you, she tells him, married to best of you. Pleasant harmonies. I still hear them now. Yes, I still believe the truth of which you convinced me. Stronger together. Still, I am no longer able to withhold those tumultuous tides. Know this, little wolf—I am not alone. Just as the sun is not the only star in the sky, I am not the only power that shapes the clay of this world.

title: shouldn't i be getting familiar?

word count: 31,157

fandom/pairing: atsukita // hq

comments: oh wow i cant even believe how long it's been since i published this. i was so happy to write it. it's one of those things like, i guess you can divide my writing into two spheres: cyberpunk robot bullshit and omegaverse magic bullshit and the overlap between those spheres is men with trauma. so yeah it was good to dip my toe back into this kind of au. a pairing i'd never considered but really feel comfortable with now. like i think i can accurately get into the voice of either of them, despite feeling very unsure of myself when i started. so that's nice. i think this convinced me that i can write any character i need to. and im glad leo liked it. i love my lil leo guy

a line i loved: Aurora is waiting by the door for their return. Atsumu scoops her up into his arms, carrying her off to the bed. Shinsuke waits there for a minute, struck by his fortune, but Atsumu senses his absence. He turns.

"What are you waiting for?" he asks, and the cat echoes him with a meow. "What she said."

Shinsuke lowers his head with a smile, hurrying along to catch up.

title: to the hilt

word count: 10,314

fandom/pairing: sejun // exo

comments: bitch i love vampires , i never write vampires enough. this could have been better, like i think i left a liiiittle too much to the imagination with these fuckers bc i think i didn't quite get across the... gist of sehun's issues. didn't quite elucidate junmyeon's problem with him. what he was trying to teach him. but alas, you can't win them all. i still think it was quite nice, in retrospect.

a line i loved: The lights flashed, and the Jeep shifted into drive. The window rolled down. Sehun thought, hoped—Just one word, he prayed. Just one parting shot, please. I'll never drink again. I swear. I'll never drink from anyone but you. If you turn around, if you just turn around and say my name—

But Junmyeon tossed the red knife into the snow and rolled the window right back up, pulling out and driving off.

original fiction

title: [REDACTED]

word count: 129,173

comments: wow. i really did a lot of that this year, huh. it's kind of unsurprising, then, that i had such a slow year, fic-wise lol. like this isn't a finished work, but i really did a lot. it's not perfect, but you gotta start somewhere.

a line i loved: [REDACTED]

in retrospect

i'm not even bothering with adding my totals, because honestly, at this point, i don't think my word count matters. if anyone is paying attention to me, they know i write my fucking ass off. what difference does it make, seeing a couple hundred thousand words added up on a screen? not much.

i think at the beginning, 2019, 2020, i was trying to convince myself of something. that i was doing it. that i was capable of doing it. that i was a writer. that it wasn't just that feeling i had inside me. that i was the thing i imagined myself to be, or if i wasn't yet, i could be.

i don't think i need to be convinced any longer. i don't have any confusion on the matter. this is the logical endpoint of everything i've worked toward. the person i am is a hill i've built, handful after handful of dirt, day after day, word after word after word. there's nothing left to build. i turn around, and i'm so high up, and i wonder how i even got here. the work, after a certain point, doesn't feel like work anymore. it's only an extension of myself. moving a limb. flexing a muscle. those little neuron fires. blink and there she is. i'm not as high as i wanna be, but damn, this is a nice little hill. it's okay to admit it.

i read a lot this year. i think i've really turned the corner on thinking i know everything. i know i know almost nothing. but i can still write from that ignorance. i can still write from that place of innocence and inexperience and emptiness. there is something interesting and valuable in that too.

my goal for the next year is to finish all my projects. i've been working hard. i hope to keep on that. i hope to build myself just a little higher, even if it means that i need to knock myself back down every now and then.

take care in 2025. i hope we meet back here in a year, and i say to myself that was a goofy little metaphor, but good for her. good for her!

the fics

title: i write to you from the road

word count: 3 chapters // 30,755 words

fandom/pairing: botw // sidlink

comments: it was nice to start the year off by closing up a big project. i write to you from the road was a very treasured story for me right from the very beginning and i had been working on it for years by the start of this year, so i was very motivated to finish it quickly and just really get it over the finish line. i still really love the ending of this, i think its really romantic and lovely, and i think it captures what i wanted this to feel like. kinda dreamy and beautiful while being like, grounded in the reality of the emotions that the characters would be feeling, with their history, with all the dramatics behind them.

a line i loved:

“In this bright, beautiful world, the finding of love is entirely common. What makes it uncommon, extraordinary… miraculous, even, is not the finding of love. It is the keeping of it.

“And so may your miracles continue on into forever,” he concludes. “May the tides always be calm. May the sun always find its way out from behind the clouds. May you always forgive and grow and endure. And in a world where it is so easy to be led astray from truth, may you keep this love and may it always find you when you think yourself lost.”

title: beacon

word count: 8,073 words

fandom/pairing: exo // suho centric

comments: it’s always nice writing for this commissioner because it feels like they really trust me to deliver on their vision in a way that still feels honest and true to me and my voice. their ideas are always concentrated enough that it makes me feel like they have An Idea for me to expand upon, but they are boundless enough that i feel like i have room to stretch my toes, so to speak. also, it’s always nice writing a exo puppy pile polycule, but sometimes im like… do these guys all sound different enough ? but anyway, what a fun piece to write!

a line i loved:

“I’m not a huge fan of this so-called fairness,” Sehun says. “I like getting bedtime privileges. I feel like I deserve them.”

“We know,” Jongdae says. “Believe us, we know.”

title: graded on a curve

word count: 52,786 words

fandom/pairing: hq // bokuaka

comments: this was written for the bokuaka exchange, and what a delight! kai was a really lovely recipient bc she is just a doll, but even more than that, it was so fun to write one of her ideas and bring it to life. i really enjoyed getting to inject it with omegaverse, bc i thought it brought another little spice, a li’l lemon twist to an already delicious concept. i sometimes like this fic even better than down, boy, and i think the writing is really good at certain points. it was a joy to write.

a line i loved:

But Keiji is drunk with dry-mouth, stomach twisting with nerves as he watches Bokuto’s back, the narrow of his waist. This is the line he’s walking. Not the other, the one where he can be somebody.

Bokuto turns when he makes it to his door, giving Keiji a little wave before he goes to bed.

The door closes firmly, the line suddenly cut and rippling back to him with the whiplash of lost tension. Keiji goes into his own room, following the only line he has left. He tosses himself into bed, closes his eyes, and prays that Bokuto lets him forget tonight ever happened.

title: came to say goodbye

word count: 2,903 words

fandom/pairing: totk // sidlink

comments: when totk came out, i just like… fell off an emotional cliff. i always thought sidlink had the potential for such wonderful angst, especially considering their shared trauma over the loss of mipha and their mismatched lifespans. but wow, totk just really pushed everything over the edge. it really broadened the sidlink universe… for the better and the worse! i wrote this fic even before i had even gotten to the domain, it was just too rich and delectable to ignore.

a line i loved:

“I hope that one day, you and I might… might care for each other in a way that does not hurt anyone ever again,” Sidon says simply.

If only it was simple.

title: weary kind

word count: 2,078 words

fandom/pairing: exo // chanchen

comments: this started off a series of four fics i wrote solely to get money to buy scrivener. i’ve been using scrivener ever since, so i’m really grateful to the four commissioners for their generosity. i feel quite lucky to always be able to just like… throw out there that i’m opening commissions for something, and people are so willing to help. anyway, i love this concept. and i love writing chanchen, i feel like they have such an interesting dynamic. love these goobies.

a line i loved:

Chanyeol looks into his eyes, and it is a terrible mistake. The violet tongues of the flames dance in Jongdae’s scarlet eyes, something like a bleeding sunset, something like autumn and heat and crushed berries.

Overcome by the animal, the primal, he surges forward to kiss Jongdae quickly, opening his mouth hungrily as he licks against his fangs, tastes the nip of blood still along his tongue. He loses himself, swallowing Jongdae’s pleasure, and it’s only once the arousal and affection start to build to a great conflagration that he pulls back.

title: make me crazy (drive me wild)

word count: 2,128 words

fandom/pairing: hq // bokuaka

comments: i really always wanted to write a domsub verse fic, and this felt like the perfect opportunity (though i would still love to write the universe into a longer story!) idk i liked how i was able to put so much into this with such few words. go me!

a line i loved:

There was something imperfect about them, the two of them, but Keiji guessed that’s what made him happiest. He spent a long time trying to be perfect. Bokuto made him feel like it was okay to just be.

title: before, during, and after

word count: 2,072 words

fandom/pairing: exo // xiuhun

comments: another delicious concept, nads just said she wanted something that focused on aftercare, and it was awesome getting to explore how dom/sub relationships work within the build-up, in the immediate act, and in the after moments. just seeing how people treat each other. how physical love translates to the mental and emotional aspects as well. plus its always a joy to write xiuhun

a line i loved:

I was made to obey you. To follow you. To be led by your hand.

title: climb this ladder

word count: 2,095 words

fandom/pairing: exo // chanhun

comments: the last of my commissions for the year! and it was a chanhun! how wonderful!!! :’) it was fun writing this bc i really love the concept of an office au, but then i also feel like i have no idea what im actually doing bc i’ve never worked in an office LOL so bc it was a shorter fic, i feel like i didnt have to go too in-depth.

a line i loved:

“I thought you were smart,” Chanyeol teases. “You seem smart.”

His fingers play with the line of Sehun’s hair, and Sehun’s eyes water.

“I try to be,” he answers. “I really do.”

“Can’t manage to see what’s right in front of you, though?”

title: sold on sunstorms

word count: 4 chapters // 31,389 words

fandom/pairing: skz // chanlix

comments: i dont even know how this came to be. i just… i don’t know. i think it was because i saw a tiktok of chan and i was like “you absolutely need to be finger-banged to completion.” lol so that was crazy. cricket helped me naturally slot felix into this universe that i had cooked up in the interim where felix is used to bottoming but decides to top chan just so he can get a chance with him, and it’s just kind of spiraled from there. i really love writing their relationship, and idk that i know entirely where this story is going, but its so fun and refreshing to write this pairing, like im genuinely obsessed with them like im studying them on a slide with my microscope or something

a line i loved:

What is this fucking magnetism? Where did it come from and how can I make it stop? Because if you let me in, if you let me cling to you the way I want, I'm afraid I might never be able to let you go.

title: the red king’s consort

word count: 4 chapters // 36,528 words

fandom/pairing: totk // sidlink

comments: i knew that totk would inspire this kind of long, spiraling, annoying, angsty fic in me. i love the idea of two people who really desperately want to be together but have so many hang-ups that they just can’t. who force themselves through the pain just to stand next to each other. who sacrifice their own peace just to get more of each other. idk. TOXICITY IS SO DELICIOUS. link and sidon are such compelling figures in this universe for me, and i love thinking about them and talking about them and discussing their motivations and crying about it. i love them. i need to write more! immediately.

a line i loved:

"The gesture is the point, I'm afraid," he says with a weak smile. "It should serve as a reminder to you that, even when we are apart, I am your eternal servant."

"You are servant to no one, king," Link says, but it does not sound nearly as cruel as he wishes it to.

"No one but you."

title: shake this frost off my bones

word count: 27,892 words

fandom/pairing: exo // seho

comments: started as a chankai prompt for a failed fest and ended as a seho fic for my girlfriend. god works in mysterious ways. i really enjoyed writing this fic, i only wish i gave myself a bit more time to devote to it. i think i really could have polished it up a bit better if i had a bit more time. alas. im a dumbass.

a line i loved:

"This is about as far as I'm gonna get from you," he says. He looks down at Junmyeon's body, back into his eyes. A flickering movement. "Can you see me?"

"Yeah," he exhales weakly. "I can."

title: i aim to be your eyes

word count: 16 chapters // 127,766 words

fandom/pairing: exo // seho

comments: the lion’s share of my efforts this year went to this fic, and even just looking back to where i left off in 2022, it’s amazing to see how far we’ve come in that time. a year ago, sehun was still getting his bearings, still had yet to earn that big line. junmyeon was dealing with rats and work related issues, and the japanese were barely a thought. it’s just really cool to look back and see, like, wow. i wrote a lot of this. it didnt feel like a lot, but i’ve really dedicated myself to this story. last year, i wrote that i was hoping to finish it this year. well. at this point, i’m officially half-way through book two, so idk, maybe by next year i will be celebrating the end of this behemoth. or maybe getting close to finishing it lol who knows. but yeah. i love this story and im really proud of myself for giving it my all.

a line i loved:

“So that night, we took him out to this forest, Dawoon tied him to a tree, and I bashed his head in with a baseball bat,” Junmyeon says. “When I was done, we cut his dick off and shoved it in his mouth. Well, what was left of his mouth." He shrugs. "And then, we left him like that for the animals.”

“W-Wow.”

“Tough day for that guy.”

“Yeah, you can say that again,” Minseok laughs.

total word count: 326,465 words (+39,625 for kinktober lol so altogether 366,090)

average fic length: 27,205 words

average word count per day: 1,002 words

in retrospect:

well, another year goes by, and i’m still here!

the other night, i was lying in bed, thinking about my life and the way it’s gone and the way i wish it would go, and it occurred to me that i haven’t been doing enough to direct my current. i pulled up my conversation with tiana, and i sent her a voice message and i think it really encapsulates my thoughts on the past year, stream-of-consciousness as they might be, so i will transcribe them here:

i was lying here, thinking about how every six months, i have this rude awakening of my life passing me by because [PAUSE] in january, it’s the new year. and in july, i’m a year older. and i always think, like, six months isn’t enough time to change my life, you know what i mean? because it takes so long to, like, stack up habits… and become different. and i feel like i blink, and it’s january. and then i blink again, and it’s july. and i’ve done nothing, you know.

um. which, like, obviously that’s not how it works, but, in the grand scheme of things, like, i feel like as people, we experience things on such a minute, minute-to-minute level and then all of a sudden, it’s like… we’ve jumped from one year to the ne—y-you know what i mean? we, like, we live, like, a year a day. and it’s like you can’t decide which is actually life. and then, it’s actually both.

anyway, none of that has anything to do with what i’m about to say, but… i dunno, i-i-it just led me thinking, i really do think that i have to get serious about writing something original, because if i don’t start doing it now, i think i will just eventually get so, um, like, self-conscious about, like, what i’m capable of that i will just never do it because i’m too scared of, like, being rejected and, like, you know… everything that goes along with that, like, having to confront the possibility that i’m not as good as i think i am, and, like, all those uncomfortable truths? and everything? and i was just thinking, man, like, i wish it was as easy to write original fiction as it is for me to write… everything else. because, like, the shit that doesn’t matter, i’m, like, fucking… you know, wordsworth over here. (it’s, like, a little joke ‘cause, like, wordsworth was a poet, so he didn’t actually write that much, but…um…)

but yeah, like, it’s frustrating because like, you know, things that have no stakes—i guess tha-that’s the thing, right? like, n-nothing in my mind is, like, good enough for the original thing, but, like, anything goes with everything else? so, i feel, like, free to do—to, like, be myself? which is like—that’s the point! you’re supposed to do that all the time. and that’s what—anyway.

but, okay, so… like, i was thinking, like, [SIGH] in reality, what i really want to do, is write—like, after i’m, i was thinking, okay, like, i’m gonna fi—work on finishing, like, my, you know, outstanding warrants [LAUGH] for my—for my arrest. [LAUGH] an—but at the same time, in the new year, what i wanna be doing is, like, doing that, but then at least writing, like, one thousand words a day, or even like 500 words a day of, like, something original. so that, like, by my birthday, i have something to show to myself that, like, six months hasn’t passed, um, without my noticing it.

um, and i was thinking, in reality, what i really wanna be doing is writing [REDACTED]. and then i thought to myself, why am i gonna give this great fucking idea to the internet for free? this is actually my idea, and i’m gonna take it and i’m gonna make it a novel. and it’s gonna sell a billion fucking copies, and the world is gonna change.

so… that’s my promise to myself. i’m gonna start—[REDACTED] is gonna be my debut novel, and i think it’s gonna be incredible. ‘cause i believe so strongly in the idea. truly, i think it’s a great idea. and i think it’s… not only do i think it’s, like, marketable because even though it’s weird, and even though it’s genre, i think it’s like—i think it captures a very, like, unique space, like i think it’s different enough, but also, s—like, in the same vein? you know what i mean? like, i think it would have a unique place in… i-in, like, a bookstore. and, i, i don’t know, i think i could do it so fucking good, and so i’m like, why am i gonna keep thinking about half-written things and, like, force myself to, oh, like i guess i gotta do this…

fuck it! who cares? who’s my boss? nobody. like, so… why am i wasting time, like, guilt-tripping myself over half-finished ideas that were probably never that great to begin with when i have something that i really do believe in. a-and that i know i could finish. that i think would be great. i dunno. i do know! i do know. [LAUGH]

i’m gonna do it. and this is my promise to myself. and to you. that i will see this through. and i will make it successful. because i have no other option… i do have the other option. i mean, i’m sure there are a thousand other things i could write, but! i will make this successful because i do believe in it.

so now i suppose you’re all included in the promise. i think i did good work this year and i’m proud of myself, but next year, i have some really high hopes! i’m gonna work on completing the projects i’ve already got swimming out there in the ether, but i’m also gonna work on making [REDACTED] something new and original and fresh and cool and At Your Local Bookseller.

in 2024, i want to hold onto this feeling of hope. i want use the stamina i’ve been building over these last six years. i hope this all means something in the long run. i hope in six months, one year, ten years time—i still feel like i was honest and true to myself. i hope everything works out. i hope writing still feels like my purpose. i hope i don’t lose confidence in myself. i hope i don’t let anything get in my way any longer. i hope i learn that i am capable of doing the scary things, no matter how much it feels like i might die in the process.

have a nice new year, take care, and thanks, as always, for reading.

the fics

title: got me heavy (with the misery)

word count: 27,758

comments: you know, this was a crazy fic to start the year off with. i don’t know exactly what i was thinking with this one but i really felt strongly about this concept and the aesthetics of it, and had i been able to devote a bit more time to it, i think it really could have been something special. as it stands, it’s a perfectly fine little fic. thank you, oscar wilde. i bet this is exactly what you had in mind.

a line i loved: They wait until it’s dark. They take the boy into the woods, and Minseok strikes the flint until the sparks catch the kindling. He closes his eyes. Before long, the body burns. He looks to the sky. The clouds are heavy. The ash will be covered by the snow.

title: measure with your heart

word count: 2,114

comments: this was the first of many short little fics this year. i think i felt like i was straying too far from exo, so i wanted people to feel like i hadn’t abandoned them. which i never really will. even when i say i’ll never write them again, i always do lol. anyway, yeah just a very short and sweet little fic. something cute and sweet for long winters.

a line i loved: “Are you interested?”

“If I wasn’t?”

“Then maybe I would pick something else,” Kyungsoo says.

title: a summer in the sun

word count: 4,068

comments: again, another of those short fics. i think i was really gearing up for this year of like… commissions, essentially. lol. i dont know. its a perfectly nice little fic. i like trying to make these big worlds fit into small word counts. doesn’t always work out but so it goes. i like this one. sesoo is a fun dynamic

a line i loved: It’s good for you, he thinks. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know what’s good for you?

title: shadow’s shroud

word count: 3,313

comments: omg my first battre la montre! i absolutely love this as a challenge, i think it really suits me as a writer. i do like the word count based challenges, but time is just so special to me. i like sitting down and being challenged to do something within a certain amount of time. its very rewarding to me. and i really loved this particular fic. so cute and fun. my little bat boy oh sehun

a line i loved: Long as I walk, I hope you can follow this same path, for I promise that your shadow’s shroud will always be my shelter from the storms.

title: molten emotional front line

word count: 2,602

comments: i love this fic. really reminds me of like… there’s this style of writing i always call either “twitter” writing or “aesthetic” writing bc it feels very sparse and aesthetic, and i dont particularly feel like im good at it, but i always TRY ANYWAY LOL but this is the closest i think i get to succeeding at it so im glad of that

a line i loved: I want everything at once, Junmyeon thought to himself. I want to have you and the rest. Wait and ripen with the plums. We’ll go back to the garden. You must know that you are more important, so I hope you can understand.

title: come the morning bells

word count: 2,308

comments: oh, i was just overjoyed to be able to write this fic. i saw becky’s amazing art and i was instantly inspired. i don’t know that i completely did her work justice, but i was so grateful for the opportunity to contribute to her little world in some way.

a line i loved: He covers his mouth as he steps out of his shoe, and he pretends like he’s only wiping the water from his face.

title: that shotgun shine

word count: 1,949

comments: HELL YEAH i love this fic, i love folk as a genre, and i really enjoy writing within these little song-worlds. i wonder what johnny cash might think if he knew he inspired this. hopefully he would be happy. idk. i really love this fic.

a line i loved: His lips are red like summer fruit, his cheeks stained like wine. There is nothing on his face, no hint of despair. No widower’s grief. He hides the same way Sehun does: well.

title: contained

word count: 4,000

comments: ah another bit where i was really grateful to be able to contribute to like, something a bit greater than myself. i was so lucky to be able to write for the 10th anniversary zine, and it felt like… i dont know! it felt really nice and special being able to be around really talented artists. :’) this fic is okay. im not overly proud of it, just more proud of what it stands for!

a line i loved: They get to the fields, and colors move like tidal waves. Magenta, cyan, yellow lines glitching their petals. The stems are thick emerald green, sliced with scanlines, fringed with bright gold pollen.

title: stuck between the orange and cherry trees

word count: 25,198

comments: this fic is really special to me. i think you can tell if you read it, like, i put a lot into it. writing for a pairing like this where its like… almost no one is really going out of their way to read them, idk, it really comes from the heart. i’m writing the porn sequel to this, so i hope to publish that in the new year. if no one else got me, i know i got me.

a line i loved: “Its mate,” Ukai smiles, gingerly slipping his katana back into the sword sash. “It’s called a wakizashi.” He withdraws the wakizashi, a smaller curved sword, whipped easily through the air. “Better for close contact.” He stares down the blade, turning it left and right. “Lighter, more easily wielded. But it is dangerous. Perhaps even more dangerous than the katana, if held by the right man.”

title: ways to get closer and hear whispers of my name

word count: 3,370

comments: ack my only memblem fic of the year. i had another dimidue in the works, but this one was for battre la montre again, which again…. what a motivation. i really love to write this pairing, and idk, i love their sick desperation and devotion for each other, idc! i love writing them. i love THEM

a line i loved: “Then I suppose you were complimenting me?” he finally asks.

“Of course, your majesty,” Dedue says. “For as I must always remind you, I hold you in the highest regard.”

title: let me be the vessel

word count: 3,054

comments: definitely the filthiest thing i wrote this year and i wrote an 80k bdsm fic, so that’s saying something. i always love the opportunity to write just pure smut, and this was that opportunity kljsdlkajg idk sometimes it just hits right. always omegaverse too god i love omegaverse

a line i loved: “You said five o’clock,” Kyungsoo says.

“I lied,” Baekhyun smiles.

title: back in the atmosphere

word count: 3,199

comments: wah my fic for cricket! i really loved writing kuroken, and the only real thing that bothered me about this was the weird comment i got about orbiting. I dont know. i love the concept of orbiting as like… a celestial metaphor for always being close to someone, your world subconsciously following theirs. i dont know i think that’s NICE! SUE ME

a line i loved: There’s a reason the moon orbits the Earth, Kenma knows. The Earth is the one pulling it in. What a terrifying thought: being the one in charge.

title: my heart is stone and still it trembles

word count: 2,989

comments: this was fun! i enjoyed writing this kind of, heavenly, magical realism-y bit. i think i could have really expanded on this into something a lot longer, but it was already getting too long lolol so idk. i love a bit of degradation. i think this exemplifies that.

a line i loved: Kyungsoo has one eyebrow raised, staring at him with that pity, that humiliation. Poor, stupid little boy, his gaze says. Wouldn’t it be easier if you were on my side? Wouldn’t it be more fun?

title: take your shot

word count: 3,765

comments: this was my first time writing johnjae, and im not sure that i completely nailed the voices or anything, but i think it was a good first try. trying to think of the exo counterparts that i could neatly compare them too, but i find that difficult. maybe chansoo? chanhun? suyeol? i definitely base johnny’s voice a lot on chanyeol’s, so idk if thats good or bad LOL but this was fun to write!

a line i loved: “Mark is like what would happen if you put the heart and soul of a violin virtuoso into a jack-in-the-box. Or a Cabbage Patch doll.”

title: moments in the sun

word count: 4,382

comments: i think this was a pretty interesting concept, and im not sure that i fully, like, executed that well or anything, but i think it was a cute idea. definitely had the ability to make it a lot more miserable than i did, so im glad i kept it light and fluffy :’)

a line i loved: “Yeah,” he says, “I guess I’m just… I dunno, used to being on my own?”

“Objection,” Chanyeol whispers.

“Sustained,” Kyungsoo whispers back.

title: love you ‘til tuesday

word count: 3,721

comments: loved writing this one. sometimes when people have very specific ideas for a fic, it can feel a bit like im doing a paint by numbers, but with this concept, i felt like i had the ability to kinda… stretch my legs and move around in the space and do something that i personally was interested in that aligned with the world that was already established. idk. i like writing taekai, i guess im always just a little scared that it will end up like that first one i wrote LOL my taekai ptsd

a line i loved: Taemin kisses him when he can, and it smells sweetly. Sex. Fruit. Blood.

title: final countdown

word count: 3,616

comments: omg barely remember this, this is so funny. i feel like i’ve really tapped the concept of sci-fi slash space slash pirates in the last couple years, so it no longer interests me the way it once did. i think this is a perfectly serviceable story, but it just feels a bit… trite considering the bigger things ive written, like chronos and LGAM

a line i loved: “I feel the same way.”

“I know,” Chanyeol says, and he nudges his foot against Junmyeon’s. “I wasn’t gonna make you say it.”

“He spares me,” Junmyeon smiles.

title: stuck in the middle with you

word count: 2,608

comments: again, one of those ones i have almost no awareness of. thats the thing about little fics like, i work on them for two, maybe three days, but then they’re out of the door before i really have this, like, moment to spend with them. oh well. this idea was fun! im not sure i sold it or anything, but i really liked the idea.

a line i loved: “You’re really nice,” Chanyeol agrees.

“Maybe too nice,” Sehun says. “Be worse.”

title: danseur de mon coeur

word count: 3,167

comments: i love this story. i think its really cute and sweet. i like the way suho is so easy to drop his jealousy bc jongin is kind to him. i think that really rings true. and the little bit of magical realism at the end really makes it for me. its just some normal story and then its like bam. It’s me. i’m the problem lkjadskjg anyway, i love writing this pairing. they’re very sweet.

a line i loved: Because you’re getting older, his unhelpful mind says. You’re losing your chance.

title: shimmy and shake ‘til something breaks

word count: 4,070

comments: bad pornography. my specialty. no, but i think this is cute. i like sugar daddy fics, i like overstimulation, idk. this was fun to write. the pairing especially, i like their dynamic a lot. sylvain is so fun to write. just a little shithead.

a line i loved: They are horrendous, warm red and yellow and blue and gaudy as all get out. They’re clown shoes for a fucking clown. They’re also two thousand dollars.

He covets them.

title: overwatered

word count: 3,227

comments: again, another fic i have almost no recollection of LOL omg but i think the story is cute :’) i like writing chankai as miserable fools. love you, guys. i’ll write that pilgrimage thing someday.

a line i loved: There is a beat of silence: strong, inflexible.

title: eighth house raging

word count: 5,702

comments: this was like… the gearing up for love you ‘til tuesday. and both of these fics are heavily inspired by the world and the language of disco elysium, this one more obviously, but definitely both of them in some way or another. but i think this fic is so good and like it was paid dust. no one has taste but me.

a line i loved: “Stuck him full of holes,” Junmyeon says. “Made a pincushion out of him. He bled like crazy.”

title: and i’ll come running

word count: 5,022

comments: this came from this period of time this year when i felt really shitty about my writing, so i was just posting previously unposted fics so i could get some affirmation LOL im so goofy. but yeah this fic is cute :’) i think. i love to write seho as these celestial creatures that have to transcend time and space to be together. sweet.

a line i loved: Some chemical reaction, some meteorological phenomena. Storms and oxidation. Combustion and snowfall. It’s everywhere around him, inside and out.

title: this light bends backward

word count: 5,121

comments: ah i think this fic is really cute. i dont know. i do love to write baeksoo, but sometimes their fans can be a bit rabid and scary lolol but i do enjoy writing their relationship. i think it lends well to this kinda like… seemingly light on the surface but actually really deep and contemplative type of love. anyhow this one was fun :3

a line i loved: “I missed you,” he whispers, hoping that Baekhyun won’t hear him.

He does, of course. He always does.

title: make me new and in the lost boy’s image

word count: 2,909

comments: i can so clearly remember the situation where i thought up this little idea…. cutting polychina silk as i was listening to some music…. wah…. how nice. my concept for this story, idk if anyone really put it together, but the concept was that this creepo fell in love with junmyeon, then junmyeon died, and he created a wooden doll version of him to try and tide him over. then he realized he could cast a spell on clothes that the doll made, giving life to a New Junmyeon who was actually flesh and blood instead of wood. and the shoes belonged to the old, dead junmyeon. thats why they were so important and old and stuff. anyway yeah. a lot of thoughts lkjasdjk and very weird. but i love writing weird stuff.

a line i loved: Junmyeon opens his eyes, and he looks down at his hands.

But they are not his hands. They are someone else’s hands to be sure. They feel as dry and hard as stone, white, almost blindingly white… he tries to articulate his fingers, but they feel so clumsy and foolish. Like the finger joints have been pulled out of him. He can’t move. He moves so foolishly.

title: thoughts can bloom

word count: 33,273

comments: i was telling tiana last night that i was most upset about the lack of response i got for this fic bc it was one of the most personal for me of the year. so it goes. i really love this fic, i think its beautiful, i think i did a great job with it. [joker voice] you put a major character death tag on a fic and everyone loses their minds!

a line i loved: The wind doesn’t have to tell him so. The deadwood is silent as it’s meant to be.

title: thunderous

word count: 20,101

comments: in retrospect, i fucking hate this fic LOL like i dont even like thinking about how much time i spent on it. i loved my concept a lot, i think it coulda been good, but this fic sucks and it deserves to languish in hell. good riddance, ugly bitch.

a line i loved: This is a pain that crashes in waves, and it spills out of him like the breaking tide.

title: i write to you from the road

word count: 26,151

comments: man how am i still writing this fic. i am such a nightmare. BUT ANYWAY, i did put in a lot of work for this little baby this year, five whole chapters, and truth be told, i am very close to the end. i think like, three more chapters at the most. i will definitely finish this in 2023, but in my heart im a little…. You know, sad about it. i really love this idea, i love these characters, i love writing in this grand, beautiful world that ISNT of my own creation…. it feels so BEAUTIFUL and removed from me in the best way. i will hate to say goodbye to this world, but i’ll always return to it.

a line i loved: My soul has never known a home until it met yours, and now all I can dream about is returning to you.

title: hold my hand skyward and so shall we sail

word count: 6,538

comments: just a little guy :’) very inspired (thanks to cricket) to write magical jongin, and it came pretty easily to me over the course of a couple days. im glad i was able to finish this and gift it to my friend dani :’) and i was really glad she liked it!

a line i loved: He smiles, looking out the window at the scenery as it passes them by. “My master always told me that the best time to plant trees is yesterday, and that the second best time is today.”

title: constellation

word count: 8,929

comments: hell yeah! absolutely love this fic. me and tiana daydreamed this up after seeing a tiktok that inflamed us lolol thats usually how things happen. but i really love this concept, i think its beautiful, i love the idea of someone giving you the tools that you need to break your own bondage, especially when that comes at the hands of someone stronger and more cunning than you.

a line i loved: Fight me, Sehun sings to him. Kill me if you’d like. Escape from me if that’s what you wish. Go wherever and do whatever, but do not wait for someone to give you permission.

Weave your own.

title: i aim to be your eyes

word count: 79,954

comments: yeah wow, a lot of work towards this one this year. because it was so spread out, i dont think i even realized how long these updates had been. i really love this story, it definitely has taken some turns i didnt expect, which is new for me. usually i keep things pretty on track from what im imagining but this one… idk im just loving being along for the ride. sometimes i look back and im like omg thats so cringe but whatever its soooo fun to write. i love it. i hope to finish this next year.

a line i loved: He wonders what his father looks like now.

When he was young, he can only remember his father as tall.

No one is very tall when they’re lying down.

title: throw it to the wolves

word count: 1,115

comments: just something short and sweet for my good buddy pam. i really dont know if she’s aware how important she was to me this year… just someone finding my work organically and enjoying it and sharing it and being so nice to me, idk, it really touched my heart. her friendship means a lot. i’m really grateful for her.

a line i loved: He kisses him endlessly then, and they speak with the language only they know. I love you, they proclaim. It paints the skies. I love you, I love you, yes, I will always love you.

title: down, boy

word count: 81,105

comments: cry scream pulls my hair out. i cant actually believe what happened to this bang, like, i logged onto the discord and saw an @ coming from the general and i thought to myself heh wouldnt it be funny if they were canceling the bang. LOL. anyway. really put a damper on things, but i didnt want the work to be for naught. i like this story. i think its equal parts mushy and sexy. i hope people like it as it’s slowly revealed and stuff

a line i loved: Slow and steady is for other people, he tells himself, tightening his hold on Akaashi’s hand. I’ve tried slow. I’ve been steady.

Don’t you feel it, Akaashi-san? Don’t we need something more? Something big? Something undeniable?

A step forward?

title: the bathhouse

word count: 24,272

comments: this is part of tiana’s christmas gift, so i was really glad i was able to finish it in time. i really like this little ghibli world, and it was really fun to write :’) im glad she’s enjoying it too. thats always heartening. heh.

a line i loved: “Just hold it,” Suho says, voice as gentle as silk. “Only hold it. That’s all. Keep it. Guard it. Hold it.”

total word count: 414,670

average fic length: 12,196

average word count per day: 1,136

in retrospect:

looking back to the beginning of this year—boy, i really went through a lot. something broke in my life, and i had to spend the first couple months of 2022 putting everything back together again. starting new. starting fresh. the sheer volume of emotion i was experiencing on a seemingly daily basis is just crazy to think about now that im ten, eleven, nearly twelve months removed. i used to wake up in the morning, and i felt like the world was crashing down around me. like i was going to be buried beneath the days as they suffocated me.

january, even the beginning of february—for six weeks, it felt like all i did was work toward a future i couldn’t adequately imagine. my mind was singularly focused on making it through each day. doing something productive so that when i fell asleep, i could feel like i was even a short step closer.

writing, of course, fell by the wayside.

i can’t even pretend like i was so exhausted by the world that i didn’t have the time, energy, or strength to still feel guilt. i absolutely felt it. i felt it every day. every day that would pass and i wouldn’t have anything written to show at the end, i felt like there was a knife in my side. i couldn’t bend, twist—it would make itself known. it might not be like this for everyone, but i dont often feel nothing. im never so broken that i feel nothing. when i am brought low, i feel everything brightly. more vividly than ever. it all stacks. it all counts.

things mellowed out, as they are wont to do. homeostasis kicked in. my temperature did its best to return to 98.6. my vision, once blurry, began to clear. and the days, the days that were once arduous and never-ending and sometimes back-breaking and sometimes filled with tears and sometimes nearing the worst i’d ever had—those days returned to normal too.

i got back into my rhythm. i felt like i could do something again. something that was meaningful to me. something other than surviving.

i’m grateful that writing will always wait. writing doesn’t disappear. writing doesn’t forget. writing can’t. writing is me and i am writing and we’re both just hanging the fuck on most of the time. i’m just happy that i have something to hang on with.

i complain a lot, i give myself headaches, i think too about my own worth and ability and talent, but right now, i just feel thankful that i’m able to do something that’s so important to me. i’m thankful that i went through something terrible and lived. i’m thankful that i can still do this, look back, year after year, and see that i had something new to say. that i’ll never really run out of thoughts, even if i’m too tired to say them.

if you are reading this, i hope you give writing a try this new year. if you already consider yourself a writer, keep going. keep moving. if you’re new to it, start slow. give yourself time to grow. and don’t forget that nothing is too dumb. i happened to write a story where a kpop idol was a big bat. wings and all. echolocation. it’s stupid, but it’s fun. and fun is the point. it’s so miserable to be alive some days. when you have the chance, choose to have some fun.

thanks for reading. have a good one. and happy new year!

the fics
title: the boy and the sea (sehun/junmyeon)

word count: 49431

commentary: i think i delivered the best possible ending that i could have for a fic like this. for a fic that didn't start with much meaning, i think i made something nice with it. i truthfully haven't thought about this fic in a while, but i really enjoyed writing it, even the end. i read over a bit to find a quote i like, and i think most of it holds up well. a little fruity, a little purple, but enjoyable nonetheless. it really solidified a type of story i like to tell, and i don't think there's anything wrong with that, you know? having a little place carved out.

a line i loved:
Finally, he has found peace. Who knew he would discover it in such simple things? In apple seeds? In sand? In his love’s water song, inextricably tied with the moon? In and out, the pair of them cry.

In and out.

title: two pinches: a modern witch's guide to love (kyungsoo/sehun)

word count: 999

commentary: this was my first (and last) time writing for tiny sparks, but it was a really enjoyable experience. flash fiction isn't my strong suit, i know that for sure. my writing can sometimes read as careless, and in retrospect, i don't think every word of this is well-utilized. so it goes. i had a first version of this fic that was very different and involved monster!Sehun. it was weird. anyway, it's a perfectly decent fic. nothing special.
a line i loved:
For a love potion, a witch needs quite a bit of spice.

title: conversations in sunflowers, irises, and roses (sehun/junmyeon)

word count: 5638

commentary: i think conversations (at least, the first part) is probably one of the better things i've written. i'm not sure this addition was strictly necessary, but it's not horrible either. stole the concept from doctor who, and i'm not ashamed, that was the best doctor who scene they ever did. the actor from that episode, the one who played van gogh? he was also in sons of anarchy. just a minor part but... food for thought (??? no it isnt)
a line i loved:
"They see him for what he is. They see everything it means to be alive. They see pain, at times crushing, always insufferable when we’re in the middle of it, but then because of our survival, because of our determination and our willingness to live on, they’re able to see the overwhelming, unstoppable joy."

( Read more... )
the dissection
this year was a bastard. all years are bastards, but this year was a big bastard. huge. i'm still sorting through my emotions, and i hope that writing this will give me a bit of clarity on what i'm feeling. either way, i gave myself three goals in last year's commentary. let's see how i measured up.

goal one: "take more time and greater care when i write"
i definitely took more time. my word count was practically halved from last year, and i think that's been good for me. writing nearly a million words in a year... what was i doing lol. i know i'm jobless but good lord. anyway, i think this was a much healthier output for me. i think i needed to realize that like... this amount in a year is still a very impressive amount of work. even this is a lot. maybe i need to hold back even more. bringing me to my next goal...

goal two: "work seriously towards my dream which is, of course, publishing a novel"
this is more complicated for sure. for the first six months of the year, i did start drafting a completely original piece of fiction. right now, it is sitting at about 40k. that's not an insignificant amount of work, and i do think it's a pretty cool little idea. i think i have this, like, chaotic desire to write a thousand things at once because i have so many ideas bouncing around in my brain and fic makes me feel like i can do that. original fiction is more rigid, and i want to focus and give care to the thing that deserves it most. i think if i further limit my fic writing, that excess creative energy might build up and give me a little bit more drive to complete this thing. and maybe work on a different story too!

goal three: "feel a bit more pride, not only in my work but in myself"
i'm not sure about this. i definitely feel like i allow myself more grace in making mistakes and then recovering from them. at the end of the day, i don't think i'm some all-star writer, but i know i am pretty good. i know i could do this for a living. i just need to apply myself in the right places. focus on the right things. i think i deserve to give myself the opportunity to succeed. this year when i was on vacation, i was watching my aunts read voraciously, thinking wouldn't it be wonderful if i could hand them a book with my name on it and say "here, this is something that i did." i just think it would be really excellent. it would feel really nice. i've never really been an exceptional person, but i think i could do this. i think i could be good.

and so this year, even though it sometimes felt like a failure... i think i would consider it a success now. i didn't completely forget my goals. i think i worked towards them. i worked hard, and i'm proud of myself for the things i was able to accomplish. not everything was fun and beautiful in the midst of it, but i can appreciate all the ups and downs now that it's done. im gonna hold off on setting goals for next year and just see how it goes. i know what i want to accomplish. let's see how i do!

thanks for reading along. i hope we can meet again soon!

Current Mood: contemplative

you wonder about silly things. you daydream doing dishes. hands wrinkling under sulfates, you think... is this what being a person is? is this why we evolved? where are your berries in the sunlight? where are your wildflowers dripping morning dew? this isn't the condition you were promised, you think, but then the only promises made to you were made mirror to flesh.

you try to answer questions, questions that you ask yourself. you try to make a soul out of nothing. what are you but a rambling noisemaker, caustic thoughts and the responses meant to balm? you cause the problems so that you can fix them. you build a tower, you cave it in, and you build it back again. there is a cadence amid chaos.

all your life, you create. when you are small, you bounce between worlds. as you grow, you find something along the way. it feels familiar the very first time you step inside. it is another place, and it demands something of you. it is higher than you, and it calls. do you answer?

you pick up bad habits like litter along the highway. you save your nastiest words for yourself or, at the very least, you try to convince yourself that's true. you become ugly and cruel along the way. is this what being a person is? now you choose to be nice because being mean scares you. stoppered and wax-sealed, you sit in the basement, all the sadness within you fermenting. you can get drunk on this feeling, hating yourself.

you will make things you think are mediocre. other people will love them. maybe they will love them because of the mediocrity. maybe they will love them in spite of it. it won’t make a difference either way. it will still do its frivolous job. it will still boost your ego. they like me when i’m not performing as intended, you’ll think, but just wait until i’m at my best.

your best will come and eventually, it will go. you will feel it so deeply that it becomes part of your eigengrau. mixed in with greens and greys, you see... your best. some days it will be far away. some days, it is so close. you’ll see it when you sleep. you'll hear it when you eat. you will burn with red hot pride every time you think about it. ask about what i’m doing, you’ll hope, clinging to the tablecloth. you will chomp at the bit as they talk of other things, no less important, but not you. you’ll wait your turn as you keep your elbows off the table, and when it finally comes time for them to look, you’ll wait, your apprehension and excitement mixing the way it used to on birthday eve, on christmas morning.

they won’t love it the way you love it. how could they? it is you, and no one will ever love you the way you love yourself because that is complicated and terrible. people have told you that it is not love versus hate, but caring versus indifference. you care about yourself so fucking much that it spills out in every passionate color. the pride is there to protect you. pride covers the back of your neck. ego makes sure you kick against the current. the moment goes with nothing but buttercream behind it. the check clears, and you walk back to your door asking yourself why no one loves the things you love, the parts of you that you cherish most.

who am i doing this for? myself, the person i am torn between loving and hating? where does this drive come from? from synapses? from a blind god? is it me? why do i make these things? why do i make these questions?

eventually, you realize something that is hard to know. still, you hold it inside your heart: answers rarely exist, but the questions will always matter.

title: bang bang kiss kiss (seho)

word count: 7661

commentary: i can't believe this was so long ago? i wrote this in 2020? shit. like it almost doesn't feel real, how long this year has been. regardless, this was one of my first forays into pure fluff. i don't know. i go back to it sometimes and i feel warmly towards it. i think the relationship is very nice.

a line i loved:

“You have to get a fifty or higher to win,” Junmyeon says. “The pressure is on.”

“I thrive under pressure,” Sehun says.

“You cried once because you got a bad performance review at work.”

Sehun turns sharply, gesturing with his skee-ball. “That was an extremely bad week for me, and you know that.”

“Roll the damn ball,” Junmyeon says.

title: strong as the willow, brittle at the thought (baeksoo)

word count: 2781

commentary: i still love the magic of this fic. i think it's very charming, and i really enjoyed writing it, though i can barely remember it. reading back over it, i am happy with it. it's very light, and i think that's nice. i'm happy emily liked it. i think.

a line i loved:

Baekhyun sighs wistfully to the frog before it leaps off the platform of his hands, and Baekhyun sighs even more wistfully, a pitiful sound echoing out from him.

“Not even a frog wants to be friends with me,” Baekhyun moans.

title: upside down and tipping over (seho)

word count: 5357

commentary: sort of can’t believe this fic is so short? i think i did a great job setting up a universe with so few words. im not satisfied with the whole “mortal has to wait his entire life to die just so he can be with his immortal” but what the fuck are u gonna do sometimes, you know. i think this is a very pleasant little story. i really like the visual of the red bamboo forest, and i think the river being like, a portal between the worlds is very cool and interesting.

a line i loved:

“Well, go home! This is my forest,” Junmyeon says quickly, hurriedly, angrily, waving until a flock of black birds fly out from under his arms. “I am the witch that lives here. Don’t come back, do you understand? Don’t come back!”

( Read more... )

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