okamiwind's 2020 fic commentary
Dec. 27th, 2020 05:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
okamiwindtitle: bang bang kiss kiss (seho)
word count: 7661
commentary: i can't believe this was so long ago? i wrote this in 2020? shit. like it almost doesn't feel real, how long this year has been. regardless, this was one of my first forays into pure fluff. i don't know. i go back to it sometimes and i feel warmly towards it. i think the relationship is very nice.
a line i loved:
“You have to get a fifty or higher to win,” Junmyeon says. “The pressure is on.”
“I thrive under pressure,” Sehun says.
“You cried once because you got a bad performance review at work.”
Sehun turns sharply, gesturing with his skee-ball. “That was an extremely bad week for me, and you know that.”
“Roll the damn ball,” Junmyeon says.
title: strong as the willow, brittle at the thought (baeksoo)
word count: 2781
commentary: i still love the magic of this fic. i think it's very charming, and i really enjoyed writing it, though i can barely remember it. reading back over it, i am happy with it. it's very light, and i think that's nice. i'm happy emily liked it. i think.
a line i loved:
Baekhyun sighs wistfully to the frog before it leaps off the platform of his hands, and Baekhyun sighs even more wistfully, a pitiful sound echoing out from him.
“Not even a frog wants to be friends with me,” Baekhyun moans.
title: upside down and tipping over (seho)
word count: 5357
commentary: sort of can’t believe this fic is so short? i think i did a great job setting up a universe with so few words. im not satisfied with the whole “mortal has to wait his entire life to die just so he can be with his immortal” but what the fuck are u gonna do sometimes, you know. i think this is a very pleasant little story. i really like the visual of the red bamboo forest, and i think the river being like, a portal between the worlds is very cool and interesting.
a line i loved:
“Well, go home! This is my forest,” Junmyeon says quickly, hurriedly, angrily, waving until a flock of black birds fly out from under his arms. “I am the witch that lives here. Don’t come back, do you understand? Don’t come back!”
title: i am two, so you and me make three (baekyong)
word count: 1241
commentary: this fic is like, twenty kudos away from having as many as chronos. life ain’t fair sometimes. anyhow, i think this is a very…. like,,,, average fic from me. its like, my classic short fic formula. i think i’ve narrowed it down a lot, honed that. i could crank out at least two of these a day for the rest of my life if it paid well. good for me, i guess. baekyong is a cute pairing also.
a line i loved:
This is what love is, he thinks. This draw. This pull.
title: i give you salted earth, crumbling hearths (subaek)
word count: 30585 completed in 2020
commentary: i feel like this fic has completely melted from my memory after being so important to me for so long. like that’s wild, how things can just totally fade from you. i don’t know. i still absolutely love the concept, i think the listener is a really interesting idea. i do think i should have taken my time a bit more and developed some things…. time jump was a bad idea. whatever though. that was 2019 katya, not 2020 katya, so im proud of me for finishing this fic
a line i loved:
“Baekhyun, the fullness of time looks upon you, and it smiles,” she says, her pretty little face smiling too. “You have stumbled upon the great condition, the thing that makes us all equal.”
“What?” Baekhyun asks. “What is it?”
“The loneliness of the soul.”
title: hustle (xiuxingho?)
word count: 3672
commentary: a goofy little fic. i love the concept, but that’s par for the course considering i didn’t think it up LOL i love a fussy, venomous junmyeon but who didnt know that
a line i loved:
“A pure-hearted virgin. A sacrificial lamb,” Yixing supplies, and he takes a small sip of his drink. “What does freshly fallen snow look like?”
“Or the first bloom of spring,” Minseok says wistfully.
“Someone who’s never experimented with piss,” Baekhyun says, and someone next to him at the bar looks over, glares. “What?”
title: conversations in sunflowers, irises, roses (seho)
word count: 39768
commentary: i really loved this fic as i was writing it, and i was really inspired by suho’s music this year. i wanted to do something beautiful and magical, and i dont know that i completely captured what i wanted to, but this is still one of my favorite fics of the year. im….. im hesitant to say im proud of it now, but i really was proud at the time.
a line i loved:
“Some things just demand kindness,” Sehun says. “Most things deserve kindness, but other things, beautiful things… they demand it.”
title: energy (beneath my feet) (subaek)
word count: 3526
commentary: the concept of this fic is silly, but i wanted to treat it kinda seriously, so what you have at the end of that is a tonally confused nightmare. still. not a terrible little read. strip clubs stress me out irl and junmyeon being a stripper is hysterical to me. this little twinky boy. now that i think about it, i should have made him a gogo boy? i dont know what i was thinking. missed opportunity w this one. ill file the gogo boy thing away for later.
a line i loved:
"I-I thought he was getting off on—"
"On what, girl?" Sehun asks, threading his arms through his sweatshirt. "On your sparkling wit? On your sense of humor and your knowledge of current events? News flash, you're cute, but you're not funny."
title: fuck on me (subaek)
word count: 12761
commentary: the image of baekhyun-in-junmyeon’s body being kissed by junmyeon’s mysterious hyung and being like damn they’re super close, huh? is so fucking funny to me, i still think it’s absolutely fucking hilarious. but yeah. i do love the whole Straight Man Realizes Gay Feelings That Have Always Existed thing. a decent fic.
a line i loved:
This is how much I love you, Junmyeon’s passionate kiss whispers. This is how hard I can love you.
title: hot ashes for trees, hot air for a cool breeze (subaekhun)
word count: 3596
commentary: another fic i would have assumed was longer if i was just blindly guessing. in my recollections, i think i was writing a universe too big for the word count, so i just kinda… you know. glossed over some stuff klajsdkjg. but i love the idea of ot3 hitmen. how sexy. again not my idea, so thats why its good. i get all my good ideas from other people
a line i loved:
“I was really looking forward to it,” Sehun says. “Blue skies and the beach and soju-bombs.”
“We’ll get there,” he promises.
title: owe you one (hyungsik/taeil)
word count: 8139
commentary: i think i’ve read this one time other than right now, and it still boggles the mind that its 8k LOL goofy little crack fic and that’s fine. i feel sorry that mika has this attached to her ao3
a line i loved:
“I just… you know when people have a concept of you?”
“Yeah,” Hyungsik says.
“I hate that,” Taeil replies ...
title: the million roads that lead to you (wangxian)
word count: 4242
commentary: for not knowing you know, much about the source material outside of osmosis, i think i did okay. like. not bad for me.
a line i loved:
Pale blue and silver. He watches as moonlight slips to the floor. The whips across his back, the taste of blood in his mouth. Bitter alcohol. A smile. That handsome, catlike smile. Wei Ying’s smile.
title: as you’re mine (sebaek)
word count: 26792
commentary: this is the fic that has like completely faded from my memory. i could not tell you anything about this fic except for the fact that it’s omegaverse and there’s a stripper pole involved. this was my only sebaek fic of the year, and i think it kinda solidified the fact that ive written enough of this pairing for a lifetime
a line i loved:
They wash each other reverently, some forgotten tradition. Still, Sehun sits Baekhyun on the wall of the bath, making him hold his feet out.
“You don’t have to do this,” Baekhyun says.
“It is the old way,” Sehun says.
title: see you laughing (baeksoo)
word count: 3042
commentary: i think i did a lot with this word count, tbh! i like the way i wrote baekhyun in this, and i like kyungsoo okay. i still think i dont quite get there on the kyungsoo voice but… He is Complicated. alas. a fun little concept.
a line i loved:
Managing a pop-star’s day to day life was pretty high on his list of Will Never Do’s, but money is the ultimate bargaining chip, and Kyungsoo fell once the salary raised.
title: the option of me (seho)
word count: 5150 in 2020
commentary: this fic is the height of pretension, but i like, fully let myself go. like i let it be as cringe as it could be, and i think thats wonderful of me. i was talking to tiana about my voice in writing being either “limp wristed immortal” or “obnoxious frat boy” and this fic really epitomizes the former. i think i developed that voice specifically for this kljldsgkj
a line i loved:
“So you’re saying—”
“That bravery comes with time, with experience,” Junmyeon nods. “With trying.”
title: i’ll find you by the ocean eyes (kaibaek)
word count: 1673
commentary: cant remember a damn thing about this but it was cute enough. not much to say. it is a lil witchy fic
a line i loved:
“You can’t wait to get back, can you? Do you miss home that much?” Jongin teases.
Baekhyun’s smile fades away, brows raising. He glides over the water back to where he belongs: Jongin’s arms.
“Don’t be silly,” he says. “This is home. You are home.”
title: red and white and pink (baekhyun/colde)
word count: 960
commentary: i wrote everything this year, huh. good for me. for a fic thats under 1k, i think i did good cramming a lot of stuff in there.
a line i loved:
“Yeah,” Heesu says. He nods at Baekhyun. “One more time.”
As many times as you want, Baekhyun thinks. Always.
title: sticks crossed (seho)
word count: 12330
commentary: now this is a fic! i wish i had gotten to really, you know, go in with it and do as much as i wanted instead of rushing through the ending but,,, you know. shit happens. it doesnt feel bad, feels okay, but i love this idea so much it pains me. hurts me. right in the stupid mouth it hurts me. lil soup brained sehun. whats better than that.
a line i loved:
“Why are you slowing me down?”
“No exciting activity,” Junmyeon says. “Not until the doctor says so.”
“Making out is exciting,” Sehun says. “I’ve been making out with you a lot lately.”
“Are you gonna report me to the Players Association?” Junmyeon smiles.
“Not a fuckin’ chance.”
title: i hear three voices through the trees (subaekhun)
word count: 1560
commentary: this is one of those omegaverse fics that makes me realize i could do this stupid shit for the rest of my natural born life and well beyond. like i dont know what gets me about the wolf boys, but the wolf boys…. they get me. i love the spirituality/mysticism, i love the idea of courting rituals, i love all that. i feel like omegaverse is the perfect vehicle for so many things i love to write. i like this fic a lot.
a line i loved:
It is the Autumn Bounty, and the tables are filled with fruits. Bowls of blood red berries and deep purple fruits. There is a cask, and Baekhyun cracks it. It spills out into Junmyeon’s hands, and the wine is red. So red.
title: in the shallow (seho)
word count: 7388
commentary: this fic is so unfinished and dumb, but i just keep chipping away at it until it becomes something real. i think eventually theyll get married and sehun will join the coven. isnt that cute and sweet. love the concept of everyone being a vampire but osh lol its also kinda sitcommy and i like that.
a line i loved:
They are peeking over the menus, all seven of them, Chanyeol, Jongdae, Baekhyun, Yixing, Minseok, Kyungsoo and Jongin. They wave excitedly, and when Sehun looks up from his menu, they hide once more.
title: never want once (xiusoo)
word count: 1300
commentary: whats not to like abt a lil xiusoo. i really like soulmate aus, and i think i’d like to experiment more with them in 2021. both xiusoo and with soulmate aus. tattoo soulmate aus, red string of fate. who cares. we’re gonna go all the way!
a line i loved:
“What’s your favorite drink?” he smiles.
“Anything that’s free,” Kyungsoo smiles back.
title: these tables are numbered (chankai)
word count: 48764
commentary: i did all that and for what. my sole chankai of the year, and it was a banger imo. i think i probably could have sheared about 10k off the word count if i was trimming fat but since when has that ever been my MO. i think the character concepts are more interesting than anything i really did with them but thats okay. we all have stinkers.
a line i loved:
“Logistics?” Chanyeol asks, and she turns back to Baekhyun. “Please, please tell me it’s not that deep.”
“Oh, it’s very deep,” Baekhyun says, hands on Chanyeol’s shoulders. “It is so deep, it’s gonna rock your fuckin’ world, baby.”
“No offense,” Junmyeon says, “but this is why you get so many people thinking you want to sleep with them.”
“And that’s a weight I have to bear,” Baekhyun says. “I am too damn sexy for my own good.”
title: one more for the road (suharem)
word count: 8023
commentary: i love a good mafia fic…. esp one like this… one that has nothing to do with the mafia lkjdskajlg i think this should be worked into a bigger au, but is today that day. no. definitely not.
a line i loved:
He shuts the door behind him, and he waits to hear the flurry of movement. Sure enough, it comes, the delirious sound of his subordinates working to please him. Junmyeon strips himself of his clothes easily, letting the fabric fall carelessly to the floor before stepping into the shower stall. It’s nice, a nice hotel. He’ll commit that to memory, find out who picked it. Give them something special.
He’s always been happy to reward good work.
title: far away from my well-lit door (krishun)
word count: 22605
commentary: ah what a fun little fic to write. i really liked the prompt when i picked it, and i dont know if i stayed completely true to it, but i like the finished product well enough. i kind of feel extra free writing weird pairings like this bc im like “no one is gonna read this, i can go hog wild” and thats what i’ve done, i suppose
a line i loved:
“Is this blood within me not mine to give?” Yifan asks …
title: eclipse (seho)
word count: 1746
commentary: i wrote this for tiana one night and reworked it to get some clout one day. its an okay little fic. like passable.
a line i loved:
For this was the way of true love: it remained unchanging and unbreakable until the waters of forever ran dry.
title: all our loving hands act as one (gen.)
word count: 7896
commentary: this is a fic i’m proud to have written, truly. i’ve had this concept about barn raisings in my head for awhile now, probably like a year or more. and i finally got to use it! i think this was very sweet and cute. i dont mind writing a gen story, i just find that most of my ideas for stories revolve around relationships. anyway. i like this one.
a line i loved:
“Can you get all the gay stuff away from the pizza?” Sehun asks, and Junmyeon spins to see him resting his chin in his hand. “It’s gonna make them taste all fruity.”
title: the lights (felix/dimitri)
word count: 1900
commentary: I ALWAYS WANTED TO WRITE ONE OF THOSE GAY LITTLE DISEASES AND SO I DID. HANAHAKI, IM COMING FOR U
a line i loved:
What might that be like, he thinks to himself, eating but never tasting. Losing fears instead of gaining them?
title: chronos-826 (seho)
word count: 174494
commentary: well ….. WEll…. what exactly is there to say about fucking chronos. this was my big project of the year. i really worked so hard on this. i worked harder on this than i worked on pilgrimage even though pilgrimage was longer. chronos was a slog most days, and it was very lonely to write. i don’t know. it taught me a lot about myself as a writer. i think it’s inherently flawed, but it is impossible for me not to be proud of such a work. i was disappointed by the reception, but what can you do? mourn for the lost kudos and move the hell on.
a line i loved:
“A fire,” Junmyeon finishes.
Sehun looks into his eyes, and they go soft with a smile. “Yeah. Sort of.”
“I know you’ll never believe me, but once upon a time,” Junmyeon says, “I was very much like you.”
“How did you get to… to where you are?”
“I let the fire burn,” Junmyeon smiles.
title: flowers of duscur’s fields (dimitri/dedue)
word count: 19543
commentary: easily one of my most cherished works of the year. i think about this fic often, how it might have really shone had i put a little bit more work into the ending. alas, we live with our regrets. im very patient with some fics, very impatient with others. i dont know what that’s about. anyway. i really liked this story, i liked the dynamic, i like how challenging it was to write.
a line i loved:
“The burden of compassion weighs upon us all,” Dedue says softly, “but that does not mean we can allow ourselves to simply drop the weight from our shoulders. Who, then, would be left to carry it? None but the dead.”
title: i write to you from the road (sidlink)
word count: 24514
commentary: i love this stupid fucking fic. i really want to get back to writing this but it’s a bit of a challenge just like…. time wise. i think the new year, i will really go in on it. i love sidlink, i love writing zelda, i love this set up… I DUNNO I JUST LOVE IT ITS EVERYTHING I LOVE !
a line i loved:
As it happens, I have been thinking of you more and more each evening. The light of the luminous stones reminds me of you, and Goddess, I am surrounded by them. By the light of your love.
title: made his mind up before he came (xiuyeol)
word count: 6011
commentary: fuck yeah! people really liked this fic and i dont know if it was just because of the pairing or what, but it was really fun to write. i still like this fic. minseok is such a crazy fun exo to write. writing this made me want to write him more. i always have fun writing pcy bc i just dunk on him 24/7. lil slut
a line i loved:
“Nighthowl? Little hole in the wall?”
Sehun turns quickly, squinting at him.
“Did you, like, stalk a subreddit or something?” Sehun asks.
“Objection,” Chanyeol panics.
“Denied,” Sehun says.
title: shine (blinded) (baekxingho?)
word count: 2362
commentary: wrote this for yixing’s birthday. i dont know. it is okay. i feel very anxious about writing yixing…. like i have to do it exactly right or people will be mad lkajsdlkjg. i tend not to write him for that reason. i hope to get more comfortable with it soon tho
a line i loved:
He liked thinking about the Mother sitting above all of them, weaving and weaving to make sure the days never ended.
title: pumpkin pie (boy detective mark lee)
word count: 8340
commentary: oh markly. oh little boy detective mark lee. i love this silly little thing. i dont know that i will ever do boy detective mark lee the justice it deserves, i think im just not smart enough but…. i love the universe. i love the mark bbh interactions. i like kaibaek. whats not to love about boy detective mark lee.
a line i loved:
“You were going to show me Saw?” Mark asks, holding up the DVD box.
“I dunno what kids like,” Baekhyun shrugs.
title: the moment (i hesitate) (seho)
word count: 32075
commentary: man this fic gave me so much strife. i stay away from pwp like this (usually) because its hard to keep the tension up without feeling…. you know. repetitive. i probably could have cut a solid 10k from the word count but it was supposed to be, you know, a Romp! still. idk i remember so many of the sex scenes being a challenge. i was grinding through the days to finish this. no more fests.
a line i loved:
“Guess you don’t know a boundary until you cross it,” Sehun says.
title: across the red lake and into the light (seho)
word count: 24748
commentary: next to chronos, this is my favorite fic that i’ve written this year. i dont know. i think about this fic often, i think it’s beautiful and meaningful. i love writing about death and this kind of separation, even though it’s aching. often times i struggle with the idea that MY favorite things of mine are not the readership’s favorite things of mine, but i dont…. like i dont care anymore. this fic is fucking gold and im so proud of it. i love it. i LOVE IT!
a line i loved:
Junmyeon’s mouth is dry as Sehun looks at him. The line of his neck… shadows call him home.
title: between now and then (chanhun)
word count: 29132
commentary: i dont even wanna discuss this fucking mess. a bad fic. just like bad from beginning to end LOL it was a slog. it really was one of those fics where i had to really commit myself to just fuckin finishing bc otherwise it would have died in my drafts. i hated it. i still kinda hate it. excited to never read it again after i look for this quote.
a line i loved:
“What do I care about what an American thinks?” Sehun says. “If they don’t know Park Bogum, they don’t know Korea.”
title: friends in the dark (baekbaek)
word count: 6292
commentary: i enjoyed writing this. i probably could have written another like, 4k in there to really flesh things out, but i didn’t. so it goes. i like the obsession-verse and i think i should have explored it more when it was like Highly Relevant.
a line i loved:
Baekhyun bites into his bread, and he tastes salt and sugar in equal measure.
title: the boy and the sea (seho)
word count: 92438
commentary: i cannot believe i haven’t finished this fic yet. it’s absurd. it’s funny, the boy and the sea is all about love and her labors, but the process of writing it really is demonstrative of that. it’s sometimes very difficult and it’s sometimes very easy, but in the end, it is always worth it. i think, in retrospect, i should have gone a little slower with some things, really taken my time and shined things to a polish, but all in all, i am very proud of this because it was something that i really felt passionately about. i hope that like, in 2021 i can finish it strongly with a satisfying ending.
a line i loved:
“Immortality is all about moments of light,” Suho whispers, and his eyes flutter open, “blazing across the darkness.”
title: hearts will be glowing (seho)
word count: 41312
commentary: silly little christmas fic. this has made me rethink my relationship with publishing fic, and it’s reaffirmed my desire to publish original fiction. i like it well enough.
a line i loved:
The water, the wind, and the cold of Christmas day... they come together in mysterious and magical ways.
total word count: 735,719
in retrospect
last year I told myself I would write less and put more into the quality. thinking about whether or not i honored that promise… well, if anything, i got more focused on the quantity. i felt a little lost this year, though i suspect that's par for the course. i drowned myself in creation so that i didnt think too much or too hard about what was going on around me, and perhaps that isolation took a greater toll than i assumed it would.
this year, i am making three promises to myself which i intend to keep. the first promise is to take more time and greater care when i write. every sentence should be meaningful and impactful. ten words written with heart and soul will always mean more and hit harder than one hundred thousand written carelessly to meet a quota that i impose upon myself. no more, i say! i will expect less of myself.
the second promise is to work seriously towards my dream which is, of course, publishing a novel. up until now, i have considered fic writing good practice towards this goal, but i find myself stagnating. original fiction is scary because in my fic i can cut some corners that i normally wouldnt be able to cut. neither is better or worse, i shouldn’t even have to say that, but i want to make this my life, you know? i think a lot of my ideas are good enough to be expanded into original fiction, i have built my narrative stamina over the years, and i know that i can do this. so i will. i will write my first novel. thats my second promise to myself.
my third promise is to feel a bit more pride, not only in my work but in myself. there’s a thin line between auto-fellatio and self-flagellation for me, but i think i would like to stop talking badly about things i do and who i am. i think i do it so that people can’t do it for me? but. whatever. im tired of it all now. i want to be good, i try very hard, some things might not work for some people, and that’s okay. you don’t have to like me, you don’t have to like everything i do. i dont even like everything i do, and that's fine. that's life, baby.
the tree of perfection is fruitless, or if it does indeed bear a single fruit, it is beautiful and shining only to the eye. a lot of my insides have gone rotten with the desire to be loved by all, but i wanna get over that. i think i will, with time.
overall, i'm very proud of myself and the pieces i created this year. i hope i look back on this year and think, amidst all the awfulness and the doom, i did something nice and something that meant a lot to me.
