okamiwind's 2021 fic commentary

[okamiwind]

the fics
title: the boy and the sea (sehun/junmyeon)

word count: 49431

commentary: i think i delivered the best possible ending that i could have for a fic like this. for a fic that didn't start with much meaning, i think i made something nice with it. i truthfully haven't thought about this fic in a while, but i really enjoyed writing it, even the end. i read over a bit to find a quote i like, and i think most of it holds up well. a little fruity, a little purple, but enjoyable nonetheless. it really solidified a type of story i like to tell, and i don't think there's anything wrong with that, you know? having a little place carved out.

a line i loved:
Finally, he has found peace. Who knew he would discover it in such simple things? In apple seeds? In sand? In his love’s water song, inextricably tied with the moon? In and out, the pair of them cry.

In and out.

title: two pinches: a modern witch's guide to love (kyungsoo/sehun)

word count: 999

commentary: this was my first (and last) time writing for tiny sparks, but it was a really enjoyable experience. flash fiction isn't my strong suit, i know that for sure. my writing can sometimes read as careless, and in retrospect, i don't think every word of this is well-utilized. so it goes. i had a first version of this fic that was very different and involved monster!Sehun. it was weird. anyway, it's a perfectly decent fic. nothing special.
a line i loved:
For a love potion, a witch needs quite a bit of spice.

title: conversations in sunflowers, irises, and roses (sehun/junmyeon)

word count: 5638

commentary: i think conversations (at least, the first part) is probably one of the better things i've written. i'm not sure this addition was strictly necessary, but it's not horrible either. stole the concept from doctor who, and i'm not ashamed, that was the best doctor who scene they ever did. the actor from that episode, the one who played van gogh? he was also in sons of anarchy. just a minor part but... food for thought (??? no it isnt)
a line i loved:
"They see him for what he is. They see everything it means to be alive. They see pain, at times crushing, always insufferable when we’re in the middle of it, but then because of our survival, because of our determination and our willingness to live on, they’re able to see the overwhelming, unstoppable joy."

title: i write to you from the road (link/sidon)

word count: 14564

commentary: well, it's been entirely too long since i wrote this fic. i feel almost bad including it, but fourteen thousand words is not an inconsiderable amount. i wish i had the drive to finish this. i don't know. i gotta get back on this horse. this fish man means the world to me. i also still really like this concept of like, semi-epistolary? it's just a fun concept to me.
a line i loved:
Who cares if they watch, he tells himself. Let them see. I am in love, and if you knew him as I know him, you would be in love too.

title: we walk along this sky full of stars (minseok/sehun)

word count: 27625

commentary: i think this is a sweet little fic! maybe a little self-serious, but i like these kind of magical realism, dealing with depression stories. feel kinda bad for making minseok a literal manic pixie dream girl, but what can you do, someone's gotta do the dirty work. anyway, i still like this fic.
a line i loved:
“No such thing as too pathetic when it comes to you,” Junmyeon says. “You constantly reach new lows.”

title: love | distance (minseok/baekhyun)

word count: 2838

commentary: a commission! i really like this idea, i enjoy the idea of a make-up fic, i've just never really written a good one before. i think this is perfectly serviceable for the word count. i think the mood of this song was hard to capture, though.
a line i loved:
Are you thinking about what it was like to love me? That’s what I’m thinking about. I’m remembering all the many ways I got to treasure you. Why did we give that up? Why did we walk away? Was it because I was too quiet? I just wanted silence so that I could hear you better. It feels so silly now when I can look you in your eyes again. You were everything I always wanted. I can’t believe you’re such a secret to me now.

title: of freedom and of pleasure (yixing/baekhyun)

word count: 9812

commentary: genuinely love this title, i think it's the best line of that song. this was a small gift for cricket, and i definitely learned to like this pairing a lot as i was writing it. this probably would have benefited from a few more scenes, a little more fleshing out, but on the whole... not bad.
a line i loved:
"...you needed some rest and relaxation,” Baekhyun says. “Something you’d never allow yourself otherwise. You felt like you had to pay for it.”

“I never realized it would cost so much,” Yixing says.


title: this lonely red planet and all our filthy metal (sehun/minseok)
word count: 13200
commentary: ah. one of my favorite things i wrote this year. i don't know, something about it... i feel like this is a very comfortable length for me, something that feels short but also long too? i love writing this like... gritty grimdark universe with a hopeful little edge to it. it's fun. i really enjoyed writing this, it was very much a personal piece. what am i fuckin talking about. it's fan fiction, it's all personal. anyway. yeah. i like it!
a line i loved:
“How did you fall in love?” Minseok asks.

“I don’t know,” Sehun says, and he trails his touch down the length of Minseok’s neck.

“How do you fall in love with anyone?”

“Slowly,” Minseok answers because all his life has taught him that love was slow and patient, did not happen overnight. Infatuation was ephemeral, but love would still be there after the sands.

title: roll for initiative (gen. cbxd)

word count: 2342

commentary: just a fun lil guy! nothing too serious. i really enjoyed getting to write about dnd, even tho i've never actually played! lol it was also fun writing a gen fic for the first time in a while, something that felt, you know, kinda wholesome! it was good fun. i really enjoyed reading over this one too.
a line i loved:
“I’m actually a mod on the cooking for beginners subreddit,” Kyungsoo explains.

“I can’t think of a dorkier sentence,” Jongdae says.

 

title: too long i roam in the night (baekhyun/kyungsoo/junmyeon)

word count: 10400

commentary: agh. this was a really challenging concept to write personally. it was a really crunchy idea, you know, like the whole plot of a "destined couple" doomed to live and die together, one with so much history and one completely without. and like this idea that eternal love isnt necessarily all its cracked up to be if its marred by so much trauma and hurt. i dont know. its very compelling. i probably could have written this as a 50k fic, and i think it would have turned out better. i don't think i adequately developed the baekhyun/junmyeon love, and i think i could have gone into more depth with how kyungsoo felt about, you know, having feelings for more than one person. like i said, this was a challenge. i don't necessarily think it holds up, but i'm glad to have written it all the same.
a line i loved:
“You’d do this for an eternity?”

“Isn’t that what love is?” Baekhyun asks.

“I’m not sure,” Kyungsoo whispers.

title: how do you solve a problem like a demon: a mortal's comprehensive guide to taming their incubus, spectra, or hellspawn of the night (sehun/junmyeon)

word count: 56902

commentary: hello, old friend. long time no see. wowzers, i almost can't believe i wrote this this year. it feels very faraway now. i thought it was longer too wtf anyway, what a stupid idea. bless my heart. it was cute, though, it was cute. kind of self-indulgent, too many unnecessary sex scenes, not enough meat on these bones, but still cute. i think this junmyeon is fun. dynamic. just a little insane guy. my fave
a line i loved:
“He’s got a good face,” she praises, and Sehun smiles. “But he’s skinny.” Sehun’s face falls.

“I’m gonna fatten him up,” Junmyeon promises.

“Good,” she says. “That way, he can’t run away.”

“I wasn’t planning on running away,” Sehun informs them, but they don’t seem to hear.


title: the option of me (sehun/junmyeon)
word count: 5243 in 2021
commentary: i wrote most of this chapter while on vacation which was fun! it was very much a.... you know, an add-on that i didn't necessarily need to write but just kinda felt compelled to. i like this relationship a lot, i think its weird and fun. the dynamic between an immortal and a mortal is interesting to write, esp bc it puts me in the position where i think.... how might i act if i've lived for a thousand years, you know? how might i see the world differently. so its kind of a thought experiment, you know. i do like the idea that even if Junmyeon had lived for a long time, he would still be able to find new things to find joy in, even the same old things... even if the things are the same, the joy you feel is always new, you know? anyway i like this little goofball fic
a line i loved:
“Consume me, o lover, sip blood-red positives from some holy grail, and lick the marrow from these useless, overloved bones,” Junmyeon muses. His eyes are alight with mischief. “If you feel like using that, you can! Just make sure you put my name in your acknowledgments. To Snookums, thank you for the excellent poetry as I gracelessly kicked you out of our home, and also thank you for the oral sex. It really helped my anxiety disorder.”

title: my world moves when you move it (sugawara/oikawa)
word count: 5793
commentary: my first ever haikyuu fic! i really fell in headfirst to haikyuu, so i'm glad i was able to take one small step into the fandom with this fic. it's a cute idea, i love writing single parents. writing kids is tough. it's hard putting yourself in a position where you're like,.... okay what did i sound like when i was 11 or whatever tf. so yeah i always go through it a little when i have to write kids. but i like this fic even in retrospect.
a line i loved:
“You look good too.”

“Do I?” Oikawa says, an elbow on the table. “You shouldn’t pay me too many compliments. A little goes a long way, you’ll find.”

“Don’t worry,” Sugawara says, and he takes his seat. “That’s the last you’ll get from me.”


title: lawyers, guns, and money (sehun/baekhyun)
word count: 75317
commentary: wang. i love this fic. it just poured right out of me, but it really cemented that i have got to stop participating in fests lol. i never quite get the reaction i desire, and that always makes me feel... i dont know, overly self-conscious in a really negative way. so i think saving these stories for myself, posting when and how i want, i think that's the move from now on. idk i really love this fic. i think it's great. i think it's fun. i think all the characters are funny and i think the world is really interesting. i think i'm great.
a line i loved:
“I didn’t think you’d crash the ship just to stay close.”

“Well, there’s a lot I’d do, apparently,” Sehun says. “Just to stay close.”


title: had to let go of so much (it's hard to hold on now) (sehun/chanyeol)
word count: 8562
commentary: well. it is what it is. just a little something. i didn't remember much of this before i revisited it, and i think that's very. not very memorable. i think it's okay. just a run of the mill fic.
a line i loved:
“Do you understand me?” Chanyeol whispers. The cat blinks, and Chanyeol gasps again. “Oh my God. Blink twice if you can understand me.” The cat blinks, just once. “Close enough.” He smiles at it, offering a hand. “Do you wanna come home with me?”


title: i aim to be your eyes (sehun/junmyeon)
word count: 7770, ongoing
commentary: i haven't devoted as much time to this fic as i want to, but that's life i suppose. i really think this is a fun idea, i like the mishmash of concepts i've got going on. i think this iteration of junmyeon will be a very interesting character, and honestly, he will probably be the heart of the fic so i'm excited for that! i think this will be my favorite fic of the next year, but we'
a line i loved:
"The bears may birth kings, but the tigers roam the hills with all the wonder and wildness of their kind. Always. Until the end of time."


title: the far-reaching implications of the sole copy (sehun & chanyeol)
word count: 5649
commentary: another gen fic! it's hard to write for me, honestly, im used to (and i enjoy) focusing on a romantic relationship through a story, but this was another fun little world to write about, and i enjoyed the challenge of writing a rivalry that didnt end up as enemies to lovers. fun fic to write. i think it's a cutie.
a line i loved:
“Fuck you, I know more about money than you’ll ever know,” Chanyeol says. He gestures to his pants. “You see these? Genuine Luxor! Like, so vintage you wouldn’t even know what fucking hit you! Circa 2138! 15 thousand at the Omni! One of a kind! You don’t know shit about excess, kid!”


title: benefit of the doubt (junmyeon/jongin)
word count: 4465
commentary: wah, i love writing stories like this... so fun idea, i love the whole sibling energy, i think its so beautiful! and i like the idea that you don't want to cut off your family just for personal pursuit, even if it is love. i like the marriage of both, the kind of... living within the parentheses, you know. i think that's a very powerful concept. anyway, i love this ship, i hope to write some more of them soon :')
a line i loved:
He looks over at Jongin, and he is emboldened by his beauty. In the street, the warm amber lights providing the glow and the chatter of the city providing the soundtrack, some weeknight he’ll forget in a year’s time… I don’t want to forget, he thinks. I want this to be the night that everything changes.


title: in the blood (ukai/takeda)
word count: 75594
commentary: this was probably my fic of the year, and i only just finished! isnt that funny. i went into it knowing that not a lot of people would read it, and i think i felt really free to write whatever i wanted with it. i just wanted to write something... you know, meaningful to me, meaningful to my new meow meows. it was fun. it was a lot of work too, but i really enjoyed it.
a line i loved:
Is this all I can offer someone so wonderful? Settling into the places that make me comfortable?

total word count: 382,144

the dissection
this year was a bastard. all years are bastards, but this year was a big bastard. huge. i'm still sorting through my emotions, and i hope that writing this will give me a bit of clarity on what i'm feeling. either way, i gave myself three goals in last year's commentary. let's see how i measured up.

goal one: "take more time and greater care when i write" 
i definitely took more time. my word count was practically halved from last year, and i think that's been good for me. writing nearly a million words in a year... what was i doing lol. i know i'm jobless but good lord. anyway, i think this was a much healthier output for me. i think i needed to realize that like... this amount in a year is still a very impressive amount of work. even this is a lot. maybe i need to hold back even more. bringing me to my next goal...

goal two: "work seriously towards my dream which is, of course, publishing a novel"
this is more complicated for sure. for the first six months of the year, i did start drafting a completely original piece of fiction. right now, it is sitting at about 40k. that's not an insignificant amount of work, and i do think it's a pretty cool little idea. i think i have this, like, chaotic desire to write a thousand things at once because i have so many ideas bouncing around in my brain and fic makes me feel like i can do that. original fiction is more rigid, and i want to focus and give care to the thing that deserves it most. i think if i further limit my fic writing, that excess creative energy might build up and give me a little bit more drive to complete this thing. and maybe work on a different story too!

goal three: "feel a bit more pride, not only in my work but in myself" 
i'm not sure about this. i definitely feel like i allow myself more grace in making mistakes and then recovering from them. at the end of the day, i don't think i'm some all-star writer, but i know i am pretty good. i know i could do this for a living. i just need to apply myself in the right places. focus on the right things. i think i deserve to give myself the opportunity to succeed. this year when i was on vacation, i was watching my aunts read voraciously, thinking wouldn't it be wonderful if i could hand them a book with my name on it and say "here, this is something that i did." i just think it would be really excellent. it would feel really nice. i've never really been an exceptional person, but i think i could do this. i think i could be good.

and so this year, even though it sometimes felt like a failure... i think i would consider it a success now. i didn't completely forget my goals. i think i worked towards them. i worked hard, and i'm proud of myself for the things i was able to accomplish. not everything was fun and beautiful in the midst of it, but i can appreciate all the ups and downs now that it's done. im gonna hold off on setting goals for next year and just see how it goes. i know what i want to accomplish. let's see how i do! 

thanks for reading along. i hope we can meet again soon!