okamiwind's 2023 fic commentary

 

the fics

title: i write to you from the road 

word count: 3 chapters // 30,755 words

fandom/pairing: botw // sidlink 

comments: it was nice to start the year off by closing up a big project. i write to you from the road was a very treasured story for me right from the very beginning and i had been working on it for years by the start of this year, so i was very motivated to finish it quickly and just really get it over the finish line. i still really love the ending of this, i think its really romantic and lovely, and i think it captures what i wanted this to feel like. kinda dreamy and beautiful while being like, grounded in the reality of the emotions that the characters would be feeling, with their history, with all the dramatics behind them.

a line i loved: 

“In this bright, beautiful world, the finding of love is entirely common. What makes it uncommon, extraordinary… miraculous, even, is not the finding of love. It is the keeping of it.

“And so may your miracles continue on into forever,” he concludes. “May the tides always be calm. May the sun always find its way out from behind the clouds. May you always forgive and grow and endure. And in a world where it is so easy to be led astray from truth, may you keep this love and may it always find you when you think yourself lost.”

title: beacon 

word count: 8,073 words

fandom/pairing: exo // suho centric

comments: it’s always nice writing for this commissioner because it feels like they really trust me to deliver on their vision in a way that still feels honest and true to me and my voice. their ideas are always concentrated enough that it makes me feel like they have An Idea for me to expand upon, but they are boundless enough that i feel like i have room to stretch my toes, so to speak. also, it’s always nice writing a exo puppy pile polycule, but sometimes im like… do these guys all sound different enough ? but anyway, what a fun piece to write! 

a line i loved: 

“I’m not a huge fan of this so-called fairness,” Sehun says. “I like getting bedtime privileges. I feel like I deserve them.”

“We know,” Jongdae says. “Believe us, we know.”

title: graded on a curve 

word count: 52,786 words

fandom/pairing: hq // bokuaka 

comments: this was written for the bokuaka exchange, and what a delight! kai was a really lovely recipient bc she is just a doll, but even more than that, it was so fun to write one of her ideas and bring it to life. i really enjoyed getting to inject it with omegaverse, bc i thought it brought another little spice, a li’l lemon twist to an already delicious concept. i sometimes like this fic even better than down, boy, and i think the writing is really good at certain points. it was a joy to write. 

a line i loved: 

But Keiji is drunk with dry-mouth, stomach twisting with nerves as he watches Bokuto’s back, the narrow of his waist. This is the line he’s walking. Not the other, the one where he can be somebody.

Bokuto turns when he makes it to his door, giving Keiji a little wave before he goes to bed.

The door closes firmly, the line suddenly cut and rippling back to him with the whiplash of lost tension. Keiji goes into his own room, following the only line he has left. He tosses himself into bed, closes his eyes, and prays that Bokuto lets him forget tonight ever happened.

title: came to say goodbye 

word count: 2,903 words 

fandom/pairing: totk // sidlink 

comments: when totk came out, i just like… fell off an emotional cliff. i always thought sidlink had the potential for such wonderful angst, especially considering their shared trauma over the loss of mipha and their mismatched lifespans. but wow, totk just really pushed everything over the edge. it really broadened the sidlink universe… for the better and the worse! i wrote this fic even before i had even gotten to the domain, it was just too rich and delectable to ignore. 

a line i loved: 

“I hope that one day, you and I might… might care for each other in a way that does not hurt anyone ever again,” Sidon says simply.

If only it was simple.

title: weary kind 

word count: 2,078 words 

fandom/pairing: exo // chanchen 

comments: this started off a series of four fics i wrote solely to get money to buy scrivener. i’ve been using scrivener ever since, so i’m really grateful to the four commissioners for their generosity. i feel quite lucky to always be able to just like… throw out there that i’m opening commissions for something, and people are so willing to help. anyway, i love this concept. and i love writing chanchen, i feel like they have such an interesting dynamic. love these goobies. 

a line i loved: 

Chanyeol looks into his eyes, and it is a terrible mistake. The violet tongues of the flames dance in Jongdae’s scarlet eyes, something like a bleeding sunset, something like autumn and heat and crushed berries.

Overcome by the animal, the primal, he surges forward to kiss Jongdae quickly, opening his mouth hungrily as he licks against his fangs, tastes the nip of blood still along his tongue. He loses himself, swallowing Jongdae’s pleasure, and it’s only once the arousal and affection start to build to a great conflagration that he pulls back.

title: make me crazy (drive me wild) 

word count: 2,128 words

fandom/pairing: hq // bokuaka 

comments: i really always wanted to write a domsub verse fic, and this felt like the perfect opportunity (though i would still love to write the universe into a longer story!) idk i liked how i was able to put so much into this with such few words. go me! 

a line i loved: 

There was something imperfect about them, the two of them, but Keiji guessed that’s what made him happiest. He spent a long time trying to be perfect. Bokuto made him feel like it was okay to just be.

title: before, during, and after 

word count: 2,072 words

fandom/pairing: exo // xiuhun

comments: another delicious concept, nads just said she wanted something that focused on aftercare, and it was awesome getting to explore how dom/sub relationships work within the build-up, in the immediate act, and in the after moments. just seeing how people treat each other. how physical love translates to the mental and emotional aspects as well. plus its always a joy to write xiuhun

a line i loved: 

I was made to obey you. To follow you. To be led by your hand.

title: climb this ladder 

word count: 2,095 words 

fandom/pairing: exo // chanhun 

comments: the last of my commissions for the year! and it was a chanhun! how wonderful!!! :’) it was fun writing this bc i really love the concept of an office au, but then i also feel like i have no idea what im actually doing bc i’ve never worked in an office LOL so bc it was a shorter fic, i feel like i didnt have to go too in-depth. 

a line i loved: 

“I thought you were smart,” Chanyeol teases. “You seem smart.”

His fingers play with the line of Sehun’s hair, and Sehun’s eyes water.

“I try to be,” he answers. “I really do.”

“Can’t manage to see what’s right in front of you, though?”

title: sold on sunstorms 

word count: 4 chapters // 31,389 words

fandom/pairing: skz // chanlix

comments: i dont even know how this came to be. i just… i don’t know. i think it was because i saw a tiktok of chan and i was like “you absolutely need to be finger-banged to completion.” lol so that was crazy. cricket helped me naturally slot felix into this universe that i had cooked up in the interim where felix is used to bottoming but decides to top chan just so he can get a chance with him, and it’s just kind of spiraled from there. i really love writing their relationship, and idk that i know entirely where this story is going, but its so fun and refreshing to write this pairing, like im genuinely obsessed with them like im studying them on a slide with my microscope or something

a line i loved: 

What is this fucking magnetism? Where did it come from and how can I make it stop? Because if you let me in, if you let me cling to you the way I want, I'm afraid I might never be able to let you go.

title: the red king’s consort 

word count: 4 chapters // 36,528 words

fandom/pairing: totk // sidlink 

comments: i knew that totk would inspire this kind of long, spiraling, annoying, angsty fic in me. i love the idea of two people who really desperately want to be together but have so many hang-ups that they just can’t. who force themselves through the pain just to stand next to each other. who sacrifice their own peace just to get more of each other. idk. TOXICITY IS SO DELICIOUS. link and sidon are such compelling figures in this universe for me, and i love thinking about them and talking about them and discussing their motivations and crying about it. i love them. i need to write more! immediately. 

a line i loved: 

"The gesture is the point, I'm afraid," he says with a weak smile. "It should serve as a reminder to you that, even when we are apart, I am your eternal servant."

"You are servant to no one, king," Link says, but it does not sound nearly as cruel as he wishes it to.

"No one but you."

title: shake this frost off my bones 

word count: 27,892 words

fandom/pairing: exo // seho 

comments: started as a chankai prompt for a failed fest and ended as a seho fic for my girlfriend. god works in mysterious ways. i really enjoyed writing this fic, i only wish i gave myself a bit more time to devote to it. i think i really could have polished it up a bit better if i had a bit more time. alas. im a dumbass. 

a line i loved: 

"This is about as far as I'm gonna get from you," he says. He looks down at Junmyeon's body, back into his eyes. A flickering movement. "Can you see me?"

"Yeah," he exhales weakly. "I can."

title: i aim to be your eyes 

word count: 16 chapters // 127,766 words

fandom/pairing: exo // seho 

comments: the lion’s share of my efforts this year went to this fic, and even just looking back to where i left off in 2022, it’s amazing to see how far we’ve come in that time. a year ago, sehun was still getting his bearings, still had yet to earn that big line. junmyeon was dealing with rats and work related issues, and the japanese were barely a thought. it’s just really cool to look back and see, like, wow. i wrote a lot of this. it didnt feel like a lot, but i’ve really dedicated myself to this story. last year, i wrote that i was hoping to finish it this year. well. at this point, i’m officially half-way through book two, so idk, maybe by next year i will be celebrating the end of this behemoth. or maybe getting close to finishing it lol who knows. but yeah. i love this story and im really proud of myself for giving it my all. 

a line i loved: 

“So that night, we took him out to this forest, Dawoon tied him to a tree, and I bashed his head in with a baseball bat,” Junmyeon says. “When I was done, we cut his dick off and shoved it in his mouth. Well, what was left of his mouth." He shrugs. "And then, we left him like that for the animals.”

“W-Wow.”

“Tough day for that guy.”

“Yeah, you can say that again,” Minseok laughs. 

total word count: 326,465 words (+39,625 for kinktober lol so altogether 366,090) 

average fic length: 27,205 words

average word count per day: 1,002 words

in retrospect:

 

well, another year goes by, and i’m still here! 

the other night, i was lying in bed, thinking about my life and the way it’s gone and the way i wish it would go, and it occurred to me that i haven’t been doing enough to direct my current. i pulled up my conversation with tiana, and i sent her a voice message and i think it really encapsulates my thoughts on the past year, stream-of-consciousness as they might be, so i will transcribe them here: 

i was lying here, thinking about how every six months, i have this rude awakening of my life passing me by because [PAUSE] in january, it’s the new year. and in july, i’m a year older. and i always think, like, six months isn’t enough time to change my life, you know what i mean? because it takes so long to, like, stack up habits… and become different. and i feel like i blink, and it’s january. and then i blink again, and it’s july. and i’ve done nothing, you know. 

um. which, like, obviously that’s not how it works, but, in the grand scheme of things, like, i feel like as people, we experience things on such a minute, minute-to-minute level and then all of a sudden, it’s like… we’ve jumped from one year to the ne—y-you know what i mean? we, like, we live, like, a year a day. and it’s like you can’t decide which is actually life. and then, it’s actually both. 

anyway, none of that has anything to do with what i’m about to say, but… i dunno, i-i-it just led me thinking, i really do think that i have to get serious about writing something original, because if i don’t start doing it now, i think i will just eventually get so, um, like, self-conscious about, like, what i’m capable of that i will just never do it because i’m too scared of, like, being rejected and, like, you know… everything that goes along with that, like, having to confront the possibility that i’m not as good as i think i am, and, like, all those uncomfortable truths? and everything? and i was just thinking, man, like, i wish it was as easy to write original fiction as it is for me to write… everything else. because, like, the shit that doesn’t matter, i’m, like, fucking… you know, wordsworth over here. (it’s, like, a little joke ‘cause, like, wordsworth was a poet, so he didn’t actually write that much, but…um…) 

but yeah, like, it’s frustrating because like, you know, things that have no stakes—i guess tha-that’s the thing, right? like, n-nothing in my mind is, like, good enough for the original thing, but, like, anything goes with everything else? so, i feel, like, free to do—to, like, be myself? which is like—that’s the point! you’re supposed to do that all the time. and that’s what—anyway. 

but, okay, so… like, i was thinking, like, [SIGH] in reality, what i really want to do, is write—like, after i’m, i was thinking, okay, like, i’m gonna fi—work on finishing, like, my, you know, outstanding warrants [LAUGH] for my—for my arrest. [LAUGH] an—but at the same time, in the new year, what i wanna be doing is, like, doing that, but then at least writing, like, one thousand words a day, or even like 500 words a day of, like, something original. so that, like, by my birthday, i have something to show to myself that, like, six months hasn’t passed, um, without my noticing it. 

um, and i was thinking, in reality, what i really wanna be doing is writing [REDACTED]. and then i thought to myself, why am i gonna give this great fucking idea to the internet for free? this is actually my idea, and i’m gonna take it and i’m gonna make it a novel. and it’s gonna sell a billion fucking copies, and the world is gonna change. 

so… that’s my promise to myself. i’m gonna start—[REDACTED] is gonna be my debut novel, and i think it’s gonna be incredible. ‘cause i believe so strongly in the idea. truly, i think it’s a great idea. and i think it’s… not only do i think it’s, like, marketable because even though it’s weird, and even though it’s genre, i think it’s like—i think it captures a very, like, unique space, like i think it’s different enough, but also, s—like, in the same vein? you know what i mean? like, i think it would have a unique place in… i-in, like, a bookstore. and, i, i don’t know, i think i could do it so fucking good, and so i’m like, why am i gonna keep thinking about half-written things and, like, force myself to, oh, like i guess i gotta do this… 

fuck it! who cares? who’s my boss? nobody. like, so… why am i wasting time, like, guilt-tripping myself over half-finished ideas that were probably never that great to begin with when i have something that i really do believe in. a-and that i know i could finish. that i think would be great. i dunno. i do know! i do know. [LAUGH] 

i’m gonna do it. and this is my promise to myself. and to you. that i will see this through. and i will make it successful. because i have no other option…  i do have the other option. i mean, i’m sure there are a thousand other things i could write, but! i will make this successful because i do believe in it. 

so now i suppose you’re all included in the promise. i think i did good work this year and i’m proud of myself, but next year, i have some really high hopes! i’m gonna work on completing the projects i’ve already got swimming out there in the ether, but i’m also gonna work on making [REDACTED] something new and original and fresh and cool and At Your Local Bookseller. 

in 2024, i want to hold onto this feeling of hope. i want use the stamina i’ve been building over these last six years. i hope this all means something in the long run. i hope in six months, one year, ten years time—i still feel like i was honest and true to myself. i hope everything works out. i hope writing still feels like my purpose. i hope i don’t lose confidence in myself. i hope i don’t let anything get in my way any longer. i hope i learn that i am capable of doing the scary things, no matter how much it feels like i might die in the process. 

have a nice new year, take care, and thanks, as always, for reading.