okamiwind's 2022 fic commentary

 

the fics

title: got me heavy (with the misery)

word count: 27,758

comments: you know, this was a crazy fic to start the year off with. i don’t know exactly what i was thinking with this one but i really felt strongly about this concept and the aesthetics of it, and had i been able to devote a bit more time to it, i think it really could have been something special. as it stands, it’s a perfectly fine little fic. thank you, oscar wilde. i bet this is exactly what you had in mind. 

a line i loved: They wait until it’s dark. They take the boy into the woods, and Minseok strikes the flint until the sparks catch the kindling. He closes his eyes. Before long, the body burns. He looks to the sky. The clouds are heavy. The ash will be covered by the snow.

title: measure with your heart

word count: 2,114

comments: this was the first of many short little fics this year. i think i felt like i was straying too far from exo, so i wanted people to feel like i hadn’t abandoned them. which i never really will. even when i say i’ll never write them again, i always do lol. anyway, yeah just a very short and sweet little fic. something cute and sweet for long winters. 

a line i loved: “Are you interested?”

“If I wasn’t?”

“Then maybe I would pick something else,” Kyungsoo says.

title: a summer in the sun

word count: 4,068

comments: again, another of those short fics. i think i was really gearing up for this year of like… commissions, essentially. lol. i dont know. its a perfectly nice little fic. i like trying to make these big worlds fit into small word counts. doesn’t always work out but so it goes. i like this one. sesoo is a fun dynamic

a line i loved: It’s good for you, he thinks. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know what’s good for you?

title: shadow’s shroud 

word count: 3,313

comments: omg my first battre la montre! i absolutely love this as a challenge, i think it really suits me as a writer. i do like the word count based challenges, but time is just so special to me. i like sitting down and being challenged to do something within a certain amount of time. its very rewarding to me. and i really loved this particular fic. so cute and fun. my little bat boy oh sehun

a line i loved: Long as I walk, I hope you can follow this same path, for I promise that your shadow’s shroud will always be my shelter from the storms.

title: molten emotional front line 

word count: 2,602

comments: i love this fic. really reminds me of like… there’s this style of writing i always call either “twitter” writing or “aesthetic” writing bc it feels very sparse and aesthetic, and i dont particularly feel like im good at it, but i always TRY ANYWAY LOL but this is the closest i think i get to succeeding at it so im glad of that

a line i loved: I want everything at once, Junmyeon thought to himself. I want to have you and the rest. Wait and ripen with the plums. We’ll go back to the garden. You must know that you are more important, so I hope you can understand.

title: come the morning bells

word count: 2,308

comments: oh, i was just overjoyed to be able to write this fic. i saw becky’s amazing art and i was instantly inspired. i don’t know that i completely did her work justice, but i was so grateful for the opportunity to contribute to her little world in some way. 

a line i loved: He covers his mouth as he steps out of his shoe, and he pretends like he’s only wiping the water from his face.

title: that shotgun shine

word count: 1,949

comments: HELL YEAH i love this fic, i love folk as a genre, and i really enjoy writing within these little song-worlds. i wonder what johnny cash might think if he knew he inspired this. hopefully he would be happy. idk. i really love this fic.   

a line i loved: His lips are red like summer fruit, his cheeks stained like wine. There is nothing on his face, no hint of despair. No widower’s grief. He hides the same way Sehun does: well.

title: contained

word count: 4,000

comments: ah another bit where i was really grateful to be able to contribute to like, something a bit greater than myself. i was so lucky to be able to write for the 10th anniversary zine, and it felt like… i dont know! it felt really nice and special being able to be around really talented artists. :’) this fic is okay. im not overly proud of it, just more proud of what it stands for! 

a line i loved: They get to the fields, and colors move like tidal waves. Magenta, cyan, yellow lines glitching their petals. The stems are thick emerald green, sliced with scanlines, fringed with bright gold pollen.

title: stuck between the orange and cherry trees

word count: 25,198

comments: this fic is really special to me. i think you can tell if you read it, like, i put a lot into it. writing for a pairing like this where its like… almost no one is really going out of their way to read them, idk, it really comes from the heart. i’m writing the porn sequel to this, so i hope to publish that in the new year. if no one else got me, i know i got me. 

a line i loved: “Its mate,” Ukai smiles, gingerly slipping his katana back into the sword sash. “It’s called a wakizashi.” He withdraws the wakizashi, a smaller curved sword, whipped easily through the air. “Better for close contact.” He stares down the blade, turning it left and right. “Lighter, more easily wielded. But it is dangerous. Perhaps even more dangerous than the katana, if held by the right man.”

title: ways to get closer and hear whispers of my name

word count: 3,370

comments: ack my only memblem fic of the year. i had another dimidue in the works, but this one was for battre la montre again, which again…. what a motivation. i really love to write this pairing, and idk, i love their sick desperation and devotion for each other, idc! i love writing them. i love THEM

a line i loved: “Then I suppose you were complimenting me?” he finally asks.

“Of course, your majesty,” Dedue says. “For as I must always remind you, I hold you in the highest regard.”

title: let me be the vessel

word count: 3,054

comments: definitely the filthiest thing i wrote this year and i wrote an 80k bdsm fic, so that’s saying something. i always love the opportunity to write just pure smut, and this was that opportunity kljsdlkajg idk sometimes it just hits right. always omegaverse too god i love omegaverse 

a line i loved: “You said five o’clock,” Kyungsoo says.

“I lied,” Baekhyun smiles.

title: back in the atmosphere 

word count: 3,199

comments: wah my fic for cricket! i really loved writing kuroken, and the only real thing that bothered me about this was the weird comment i got about orbiting. I dont know. i love the concept of orbiting as like… a celestial metaphor for always being close to someone, your world subconsciously following theirs. i dont know i think that’s NICE! SUE ME 

a line i loved: There’s a reason the moon orbits the Earth, Kenma knows. The Earth is the one pulling it in. What a terrifying thought: being the one in charge.

title: my heart is stone and still it trembles

word count: 2,989

comments: this was fun! i enjoyed writing this kind of, heavenly, magical realism-y bit. i think i could have really expanded on this into something a lot longer, but it was already getting too long lolol so idk. i love a bit of degradation. i think this exemplifies that. 

a line i loved: Kyungsoo has one eyebrow raised, staring at him with that pity, that humiliation. Poor, stupid little boy, his gaze says. Wouldn’t it be easier if you were on my side? Wouldn’t it be more fun?

title: take your shot 

word count: 3,765

comments: this was my first time writing johnjae, and im not sure that i completely nailed the voices or anything, but i think it was a good first try. trying to think of the exo counterparts that i could neatly compare them too, but i find that difficult. maybe chansoo? chanhun? suyeol? i definitely base johnny’s voice a lot on chanyeol’s, so idk if thats good or bad LOL but this was fun to write! 

a line i loved: “Mark is like what would happen if you put the heart and soul of a violin virtuoso into a jack-in-the-box. Or a Cabbage Patch doll.”

title: moments in the sun 

word count: 4,382

comments: i think this was a pretty interesting concept, and im not sure that i fully, like, executed that well or anything, but i think it was a cute idea. definitely had the ability to make it a lot more miserable than i did, so im glad i kept it light and fluffy :’) 

a line i loved: “Yeah,” he says, “I guess I’m just… I dunno, used to being on my own?”

“Objection,” Chanyeol whispers.

“Sustained,” Kyungsoo whispers back.

title: love you ‘til tuesday

word count: 3,721

comments: loved writing this one. sometimes when people have very specific ideas for a fic, it can feel a bit like im doing a paint by numbers, but with this concept, i felt like i had the ability to kinda… stretch my legs and move around in the space and do something that i personally was interested in that aligned with the world that was already established. idk. i like writing taekai, i guess im always just a little scared that it will end up like that first one i wrote LOL my taekai ptsd

a line i loved: Taemin kisses him when he can, and it smells sweetly. Sex. Fruit. Blood.

title: final countdown

word count: 3,616

comments: omg barely remember this, this is so funny. i feel like i’ve really tapped the concept of sci-fi slash space slash pirates in the last couple years, so it no longer interests me the way it once did. i think this is a perfectly serviceable story, but it just feels a bit… trite considering the bigger things ive written, like chronos and LGAM

a line i loved: “I feel the same way.”

“I know,” Chanyeol says, and he nudges his foot against Junmyeon’s. “I wasn’t gonna make you say it.”

“He spares me,” Junmyeon smiles.

title: stuck in the middle with you

word count: 2,608

comments: again, one of those ones i have almost no awareness of. thats the thing about little fics like, i work on them for two, maybe three days, but then they’re out of the door before i really have this, like, moment to spend with them. oh well. this idea was fun! im not sure i sold it or anything, but i really liked the idea. 

a line i loved: “You’re really nice,” Chanyeol agrees.

“Maybe too nice,” Sehun says. “Be worse.”

title: danseur de mon coeur

word count: 3,167

comments: i love this story. i think its really cute and sweet. i like the way suho is so easy to drop his jealousy bc jongin is kind to him. i think that really rings true. and the little bit of magical realism at the end really makes it for me. its just some normal story and then its like bam. It’s me. i’m the problem lkjadskjg anyway, i love writing this pairing. they’re very sweet. 

a line i loved: Because you’re getting older, his unhelpful mind says. You’re losing your chance.

title: shimmy and shake ‘til something breaks

word count: 4,070

comments: bad pornography. my specialty. no, but i think this is cute. i like sugar daddy fics, i like overstimulation, idk. this was fun to write. the pairing especially, i like their dynamic a lot. sylvain is so fun to write. just a little shithead. 

a line i loved: They are horrendous, warm red and yellow and blue and gaudy as all get out. They’re clown shoes for a fucking clown. They’re also two thousand dollars.

He covets them.

title: overwatered 

word count: 3,227

comments: again, another fic i have almost no recollection of LOL omg but i think the story is cute :’) i like writing chankai as miserable fools. love you, guys. i’ll write that pilgrimage thing someday.

a line i loved: There is a beat of silence: strong, inflexible.

title: eighth house raging

word count: 5,702

comments: this was like… the gearing up for love you ‘til tuesday. and both of these fics are heavily inspired by the world and the language of disco elysium, this one more obviously, but definitely both of them in some way or another. but i think this fic is so good and like it was paid dust. no one has taste but me. 

a line i loved: “Stuck him full of holes,” Junmyeon says. “Made a pincushion out of him. He bled like crazy.”

title: and i’ll come running 

word count: 5,022

comments: this came from this period of time this year when i felt really shitty about my writing, so i was just posting previously unposted fics so i could get some affirmation LOL im so goofy. but yeah this fic is cute :’) i think. i love to write seho as these celestial creatures that have to transcend time and space to be together. sweet. 

a line i loved: Some chemical reaction, some meteorological phenomena. Storms and oxidation. Combustion and snowfall. It’s everywhere around him, inside and out.

title: this light bends backward

word count: 5,121

comments: ah i think this fic is really cute. i dont know. i do love to write baeksoo, but sometimes their fans can be a bit rabid and scary lolol but i do enjoy writing their relationship. i think it lends well to this kinda like… seemingly light on the surface but actually really deep and contemplative type of love. anyhow this one was fun :3 

a line i loved: “I missed you,” he whispers, hoping that Baekhyun won’t hear him.

He does, of course. He always does.

title: make me new and in the lost boy’s image

word count: 2,909

comments: i can so clearly remember the situation where i thought up this little idea…. cutting polychina silk as i was listening to some music…. wah…. how nice. my concept for this story, idk if anyone really put it together, but the concept was that this creepo fell in love with junmyeon, then junmyeon died, and he created a wooden doll version of him to try and tide him over. then he realized he could cast a spell on clothes that the doll made, giving life to a New Junmyeon who was actually flesh and blood instead of wood. and the shoes belonged to the old, dead junmyeon. thats why they were so important and old and stuff. anyway yeah. a lot of thoughts lkjasdjk and very weird. but i love writing weird stuff. 

a line i loved: Junmyeon opens his eyes, and he looks down at his hands.

But they are not his hands. They are someone else’s hands to be sure. They feel as dry and hard as stone, white, almost blindingly white… he tries to articulate his fingers, but they feel so clumsy and foolish. Like the finger joints have been pulled out of him. He can’t move. He moves so foolishly.

title: thoughts can bloom

word count: 33,273

comments: i was telling tiana last night that i was most upset about the lack of response i got for this fic bc it was one of the most personal for me of the year. so it goes. i really love this fic, i think its beautiful, i think i did a great job with it. [joker voice] you put a major character death tag on a fic and everyone loses their minds!  

a line i loved: The wind doesn’t have to tell him so. The deadwood is silent as it’s meant to be.

title: thunderous

word count: 20,101

comments: in retrospect, i fucking hate this fic LOL like i dont even like thinking about how much time i spent on it.  i loved my concept a lot, i think it coulda been good, but this fic sucks and it deserves to languish in hell. good riddance, ugly bitch. 

a line i loved: This is a pain that crashes in waves, and it spills out of him like the breaking tide.

title: i write to you from the road

word count: 26,151 

comments: man how am i still writing this fic. i am such a nightmare. BUT ANYWAY, i did put in a lot of work for this little baby this year, five whole chapters, and truth be told, i am very close to the end. i think like, three more chapters at the most. i will definitely finish this in 2023, but in my heart im a little…. You know, sad about it. i really love this idea, i love these characters, i love writing in this grand, beautiful world that ISNT of my own creation…. it feels so BEAUTIFUL and removed from me in the best way. i will hate to say goodbye to this world, but i’ll always return to it. 

a line i loved: My soul has never known a home until it met yours, and now all I can dream about is returning to you.

title: hold my hand skyward and so shall we sail

word count: 6,538

comments: just a little guy :’) very inspired (thanks to cricket) to write magical jongin, and it came pretty easily to me over the course of a couple days. im glad i was able to finish this and gift it to my friend dani :’) and i was really glad she liked it! 

a line i loved: He smiles, looking out the window at the scenery as it passes them by. “My master always told me that the best time to plant trees is yesterday, and that the second best time is today.”

title: constellation

word count: 8,929

comments: hell yeah! absolutely love this fic. me and tiana daydreamed this up after seeing a tiktok that inflamed us lolol thats usually how things happen. but i really love this concept, i think its beautiful, i love the idea of someone giving you the tools that you need to break your own bondage, especially when that comes at the hands of someone stronger and more cunning than you. 

a line i loved: Fight me, Sehun sings to him. Kill me if you’d like. Escape from me if that’s what you wish. Go wherever and do whatever, but do not wait for someone to give you permission.

Weave your own.

title: i aim to be your eyes

word count: 79,954

comments: yeah wow, a lot of work towards this one this year. because it was so spread out, i dont think i even realized how long these updates had been. i really love this story, it definitely has taken some turns i didnt expect, which is new for me. usually i keep things pretty on track from what im imagining but this one… idk im just loving being along for the ride. sometimes i look back and im like omg thats so cringe but whatever its soooo fun to write. i love it. i hope to finish this next year. 

a line i loved: He wonders what his father looks like now.

When he was young, he can only remember his father as tall.

No one is very tall when they’re lying down.

title: throw it to the wolves

word count: 1,115

comments: just something short and sweet for my good buddy pam. i really dont know if she’s aware how important she was to me this year… just someone finding my work organically and enjoying it and sharing it and being so nice to me, idk, it really touched my heart. her friendship means a lot. i’m really grateful for her. 

a line i loved: He kisses him endlessly then, and they speak with the language only they know. I love you, they proclaim. It paints the skies. I love you, I love you, yes, I will always love you.

title: down, boy

word count: 81,105

comments: cry scream pulls my hair out. i cant actually believe what happened to this bang, like, i logged onto the discord and saw an @ coming from the general and i thought to myself heh wouldnt it be funny if they were canceling the bang. LOL. anyway. really put a damper on things, but i didnt want the work to be for naught. i like this story. i think its equal parts mushy and sexy. i hope people like it as it’s slowly revealed and stuff 

a line i loved: Slow and steady is for other people, he tells himself, tightening his hold on Akaashi’s hand. I’ve tried slow. I’ve been steady. 

Don’t you feel it, Akaashi-san? Don’t we need something more? Something big? Something undeniable? 

A step forward? 

title: the bathhouse

word count: 24,272

comments: this is part of tiana’s christmas gift, so i was really glad i was able to finish it in time. i really like this little ghibli world, and it was really fun to write :’) im glad she’s enjoying it too. thats always heartening. heh. 

a line i loved: “Just hold it,” Suho says, voice as gentle as silk. “Only hold it. That’s all. Keep it. Guard it. Hold it.”

total word count: 414,670

average fic length: 12,196

average word count per day: 1,136

in retrospect: 

looking back to the beginning of this year—boy, i really went through a lot. something broke in my life, and i had to spend the first couple months of 2022 putting everything back together again. starting new. starting fresh. the sheer volume of emotion i was experiencing on a seemingly daily basis is just crazy to think about now that im ten, eleven, nearly twelve months removed. i used to wake up in the morning, and i felt like the world was crashing down around me. like i was going to be buried beneath the days as they suffocated me. 

january, even the beginning of february—for six weeks, it felt like all i did was work toward a future i couldn’t adequately imagine. my mind was singularly focused on making it through each day. doing something productive so that when i fell asleep, i could feel like i was even a short step closer.  

writing, of course, fell by the wayside. 

i can’t even pretend like i was so exhausted by the world that i didn’t have the time, energy, or strength to still feel guilt. i absolutely felt it. i felt it every day. every day that would pass and i wouldn’t have anything written to show at the end, i felt like there was a knife in my side. i couldn’t bend, twist—it would make itself known. it might not be like this for everyone, but i dont often feel nothing. im never so broken that i feel nothing. when i am brought low, i feel everything brightly. more vividly than ever. it all stacks. it all counts. 

things mellowed out, as they are wont to do. homeostasis kicked in. my temperature did its best to return to 98.6. my vision, once blurry, began to clear. and the days, the days that were once arduous and never-ending and sometimes back-breaking and sometimes filled with tears and sometimes nearing the worst i’d ever had—those days returned to normal too. 

i got back into my rhythm. i felt like i could do something again. something that was meaningful to me. something other than surviving. 

i’m grateful that writing will always wait. writing doesn’t disappear. writing doesn’t forget. writing can’t. writing is me and i am writing and we’re both just hanging the fuck on most of the time. i’m just happy that i have something to hang on with. 

i complain a lot, i give myself headaches, i think too about my own worth and ability and talent, but right now, i just feel thankful that i’m able to do something that’s so important to me. i’m thankful that i went through something terrible and lived. i’m thankful that i can still do this, look back, year after year, and see that i had something new to say. that i’ll never really run out of thoughts, even if i’m too tired to say them. 

if you are reading this, i hope you give writing a try this new year. if you already consider yourself a writer, keep going. keep moving. if you’re new to it, start slow. give yourself time to grow. and don’t forget that nothing is too dumb. i happened to write a story where a kpop idol was a big bat. wings and all. echolocation. it’s stupid, but it’s fun. and fun is the point. it’s so miserable to be alive some days. when you have the chance, choose to have some fun. 

thanks for reading. have a good one. and happy new year!